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I’m a big fan of the English language—such a big fan that I think everyone else should speak it! But in all seriousness, as much as I like English, I think there many areas where it could be improved. Consistency is a big one.We all know about all the weird exceptions in regards to pronunciation, the way letters are used, how one word can mean many different things and is only defined by the context its in.

But the one I am going to talk about here has to do with words that are used to describe an activity that needs more than one word to accurately describe it.
For example, lets take the word “Laughter”—“laughter” is far too inadequate a word to describe the wide variety of sounds made by people who “Laugh”. OK, there’s a few extras words to describe laughter—-we have “guffah” and “chuckle”—–but “chuckling” doesn’t really give you any real insight into the NATURE of the laugh—nor does “guffah”, other than one is Loud(“guffah”) and the other is soft(“Chuckling”)
The fact is, no one laughs exactly the same, but there are certain characteristics that define different types of laughs.
So here are a few suggestions I have for “New words” that would describe some of the variants that come under the heading of “laughing”:
1)”SNAUGHING”——–This is a laughter that involves people “snorting” thru their nose. Its not that common, but there are people who do it. Thus we take the word “Snorting” and combine it “Laughter” and you get “Snaughing.”
2)”HALAUGHING” ——-This is a word to describe the person whose laughter always starts with a loud “HA” noise. We all know someone who laughes like this. It’s not really a true laugh tho—more of a substitute for one. But a “Halaugher”usally doesnt do much more than make the initial loud “HAAA!” sound, so we need a word to describe this type of laughter.

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Is it just me, or is the medias coverage of this newest “Sex scandal” involving President Trump and “Stormy” Daniels just a bit perverse?

I know, I know—-if the president does it, it’s news—and there’s nothing the American people love more than a good ole fashion “gotcha ” sex scandal.

But lets look at the headlines that the press & media are using in relation to this “Scandal”—and you tell me if you think their only interest is in “reporting the news that matters”—or if they are purposely making salacious headlines and comments with lots of double entendres to “get the ratings up” :

(Damn it. Now I’m doing it! 😉

1)President Trumps Lawyers “put a gag order” on Stormy Daniels

2)”In regards to the true depth” of this scandal, the Press is having “a hard time takin it all in” Continue Reading »

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“PORN FOR THE BLIND” (Braille Porn)

Most people have looked at porn. Many won’t admit it, but most of us have—-not necessarily for perverse reasons, but because—well, its there—and we’re curious.

Of course, some of us take it too far, just like some of us drink too much, smoke too much etc. But there is one group of people I have always wondered about when it comes to porn—the blind.

What do the blind do for porn? Is there “Braille porn” where the braille bumps describe “Sexy situations?” Or do the the bumps just form shapes of—-well you know—-??

The point is, it has always seemed unfair to me that the blind cant see porn—-or even a naked pic!

So, being a humanitarian,a “caring individual” , I have, out of the goodness of my heart, come up with a revolutionary new invention that I call “Porn for the Blind.”

Now, not only is this a much needed product—-but think of the business possibilities! Think of the vast untapped market of blind people——people who until the arrival of my amazing invention were unable to experience the joys of —-well you know.


I can just see it now—Me on CNN(With my lawyer , Morty Loyerstein) being interviewed for my groundbreaking invention: Continue Reading »

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“Broadly Speaking”

I once knew a broad who was goin abroad. She was an anxious broad with a broad smile who couldn’t wait to get ON board to GO abroad. She told me:

“Brian,I’m a Broad whose gonna be on BROADway!”

To which I said: “Well, thats a broad statement! Shouldn’t you wait to get on board and go abroad before you plan on bein a broad in Broadway? You crazy Broad! ”

So I took this broad to the boardwalk. She smiled a broad smile and began broadcasting:

“This broad can’t wait to get onboard! Wait til my boyfriend Bradley sees this Broad at Broadway!”

She then walked boldly across the ship, taking broad steps and smiling broadly.

Finally, she got Off board and ON Broadway.

Her boyfriend Bradley was there–He had broad shoulders (Which this broad really liked!) and said “Have some Bread, Broad!”

“MMMMM” said the Broad,”This broad loves bread Bradley!”

Sadly, there was a big broad hole in the road, and the broad fell into it. She was never seen again. Thus ends the story of the broad smilin Broad who went abroad to be on Broadway.

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It’s March 6, 2018, and I just heard news that North Korea wants to negotiate with the USA. Apparently, they are willing to drop their nuclear program in exchange for a ceasing of military exercises that the Us and South Korea have been conducting for decades.
Can you imagine, after all the nasty rhetoric how a meeting between President Trump and Kim Jong Un would go?
Well—I have—and here it is, submitted for your amusement.
(The scene: President Trump and his Chief of Staff General Kelly land on the airport runway in Seoul. They walk to a black limo and are takin to the Park Hyatt.There, he is greeted by The South Korean President and—–Kim Jung Un, The North Korean “supreme leader”)
SOUTH KOREAN PREZ: “Mista President? So good to seeee youuu! I introduce you toooo—-Kim Jung UN!
(Trump holds out hand, but Kim bows and retreats without shaking his hand. Trump looks at hand, withdraws his arm, makes face and looks back at his chief staff.He shrugs)
KIM:”OK OK! Mista Presidennn Trummm—–so nice to see you. Now:We get to biznaaaah! We—-STOP! Nucweaaaaaaah programmmmmmmm? EH? YOU stop military exerciiiiizzze!”
TRUMP: “Well now little maaan. Lets not jump ahead of ourselves, OK? We need to see proof first. Then we stop Exerciiiiizzzze!”(Trump mocks Kim with bad korean accent)
KIM: “You not make fun of my talking! Engrish not my language! If you talk Korean , you sound velly stupehhh,OK?!”
TRUMP: (smirks) “Kim, no offense, but you sound stupid in every language, OK? OK? (To himself and Gen Kelly) “I can’t believe I’m even here! I miss Maralago. Ummmmmm that chocoloaaate Caaaaaaake. Sooo goood! Arrrrrrgh”

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We all know that the British Empire was for a time the master of much of the world. But how did Britain, a small country, conquer so much of the world and gain such a great influence over so many countries? Well, it wasn’t because of their superior navy or military as we’ve been told.

No, the British got control thru their mastery of linguistic skills, with a heavy emphasis on polite insults.

In fact, I believe their method of taking over countries went something like this:

(British Ambassador walks into poor village in a foreign country in the late 19th century, walks up to “The head Native”)

AMBASSADOR:”Excuse me, old chap—-I’ve had a good look around at your village—-its really quite appalling, you know? No proper loo or indoor plumbing.Not a couch to be seen.”

“HEAD NATIVE: “Loo? Couch?”

AMBASSADOR: “OH they’re quite wonderful.A couch is like—well,its like a chair(Points at old rusty stool) only much more comfortable you know. You really should try one out.” Continue Reading »

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1) The trick to looking beautiful? Surround yourself with people uglier than you.

2) So many people are in denial— but they’ll NEVER admit it! Of course,I’d admit if I was in denial, but I’m not. I deny being in denial. I guess that makes me a double denier?

3) What would happen if a person “in denial” took a trip DOWN De Nile? Would they still deny being in denial why they were on De Nile?

Well I guess they could.

After all—they’re ON the Nile , going DOWN the Nile—they’re not IN “de Nile.” Besides, being “In denial in De Nile” could be dangerous. You need to get OUT of De Nile and back ON De Nile—and you can’t do that if you’re IN denial of being IN De Nile! No one can deny that!

So stay out of De Nile—especially if you’re IN denial. Continue Reading »