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(Everyone in the wedding is extremely animated. Everyone is talking,shouting. As CNN puts the picture of Joe Davola on the scream Elayne gasps, as she recognizes him as being her former boyfriend)

ELAYNE: “Oh my GOD!! Thats Joey! ”

PETERMAN: “You know this man Elayne?”

(Elayne looks away sheepishly)

PETERMAN: (Looking shocked) “Let me guess—-you went out with HIM too? ”


PETERMAN: “Oh Elayne!”(He looks away, a bit disgusted) “Is there anyone in Jerry’s life that you haven’t dated?”

ELAYNE: “Now That’s not fair!”

PETERMAN:(Looks at her with disdain) “I need a drink.”

ELAYNE: “Johnnnnn?”

(Elayne looks away with sadness. She sees Natasha looking at her with a smirking face. Elayne flips her off and walks away. The camera moves to Natasha and Bob Sackinawa)

NATASHA: “Bob, I want to ask you question: WHY such a wonderful reeeeech maaan like J Petermaaaan end up with nasssty american bitch?”

BOB SACKINAWA: “Now Natasha. Be nice. Elayne is alright.”

NATASHA: “AHHH!(Waves her hand in a dismissive way) “She crazy OK? And she go out with JERRRRYYY SEINFELLD? I don’t understand American man,WHY they put up with the crazy American girls!! ”

BOB SACKINAWA:(Looks at Natasha and quietly laughs) “Well Tash, look at the bright side: Kramer is OK. I told you he’d be OK!! No matter what scrapes he gets into, he always comes out OK.”

NATASHA: “And that’s another thing: WHY they not put my Kramer on the CNN? Why only Jerry? ”

BOB SACKINAWA: “Well, CNN probably figured everyone knows him. Its better for ratings.”

(Natasha looks at him and scoffs. Just as this happens we hear a voice shouting over the crowd. It is one of the police officers who had quarantined them in the hotel)

POLICE OFFICER: “OK everyone? Can I have your attention? ”

(Everyone continues to talk. He takes out his whistle and blows on it. Everyone stops talking and looks in his direction)

POLICE OFFICER: “OK everyone, I just have a few things to say. First, the little quarantine is over. “(Everyone cheers) “HEY—– HEYYYYYYYY!!”(Blows whistle again, everyone jumps)

BANYA:(Both he and his husband are holding their ears) “Does he have to blow that whistle? That’s the loudest whistle I’ve ever heard!”

BANYAS HUSBAND: “Um hmm–the loudest.”

POLICE OFFICER: “Look, I’m sorry we had to keep you here, but it was all for your safety. Anyways, you’re all free to go if you want, and I and the rest of the NYPD would like to thank you for being so patient. Lets all be thankful this was resolved quickly. Have a great day!”

(The crowd applauds, and many start to put on their coats and head for the door. Newman sees this and makes one more attempt to get Shari to change her mind)

NEWMAN: “Shari?”

SHARI: “Newman—I’m sorry. It’s over. ”


(Shari’s father pushes Newman aside as they both head towards the door. Newman turns away with a dark evil look on his face)

BABU: (Talking to some of the guests at the table near him, who are in the process of leaving) “Wasn’t this something? Such an experrrrience! And thank goodness Jerry was OK! He very good man. You know, I know him for a lonnng lonnng time. We go waaaay waaaay back.”

(The people Babu is talking to look at him strangely and smile uncomfortably and walk away.Suddenly we see the people leaving in a sped up fashion where 1 second=5 minutes.Music plays as we see numerous characters we recognize from the show shuffling towards the door, stopping, talking etc. Finally as this whole departure scene is condensed into a minute or so,the speed slows back down and we see there is no one there but a few waiters cleaning up the tables——- and sitting alone ,on the Dais where he ALMOST got married is Newman, looking utterly dejected.He knocks over the flowers and stomps out of the scene)

ACT 3, SCENE 14 (Finale)

(We now go back to Jerry, George and Kramer, who are at the police station. We see Kramer is giving a statement to the police as they all sit enraptured by the story.)

KRAMER: “Then he says to me, I’m gonna blow your friends head off if you dont get back here right now.”

(The policeman all shake their heads and look at each other and grin)

POLICE OFFICER #1: “You guys are lucky that Van didn’t start.”

KRAMER: “Oh you better believe it fella.”

(They all laugh. We now pan out to Jerry and George who are sitting in another room. George looks miserable and pulls one officer aside)

GEORGE: “Officer? Could I ask you a question? ”


GEORGE: “Could we get something to eat? I mean—-is it possible for someone to grab us a few sandwiches or something?”

MISCELLANEOUS OFFICEr: “Listen pal, this is a police station , not a take out. We have crimes to solve, business to take care of.”

GEORGE: “Yes but we—-”

MISCELLANEOUS OFFICER: “I’m SORRY. But you’ll have to wait.”

(George, looks away , throws his hands up. )

GEORGE: “I can’t believe this! would it kill them to bring us as muffin? Or a cup of coffee? Where’s the compassion.”

JERRY:(Looks at the other officer behind the desk) “Excuse me sir? My cell phone was stolen in the deli robbery—can I use your phone to make a quick call? ”

OFFICER BEHIND DESK: “Yeah, no problem”

(Walks over to counter. Jerry gets up and he gives him his cell)

GEORGE: “Who you gonna call?”

JERRY: (In a very nonchalant manner) “Oh—Elayne. I want to tell her we’re all right.”

GEORGE: (Grins slyly) “You still love her. Don’t ya?”

JERRY: (Looks embarrassed) “No Noooo—I–”

GEORGE: “(Laughs Jerry off) “Look? Its me, OK? ME. You can lie to these other people——but you CAN’T –LIE—TO ME.”

(He looks at Jerry triumphantly)

JERRY: “Would ya stop it? You’re worse than my muthaa!”

GEORGE: (Looking very smug) “Ok Jerry. OK. Whatever you say.”

(Jerry looks at him with disdain, and gets up and walks away from George to make the call. We now see the screen split as Elayne looks at her phone and answers)

ELAYNE:(Looks at the number, makes a puzzled look and answers) “Hello?”

JERRY: “Elayne! It’s me.”

ELAYNE: “JERRY! You called! Where are you? Why aren’t you calling from your phone?”

JERRY: “It got stolen in the robbery.” (Looks away. Neither one speaks as we see them both on the screen) “Anyways—-I just wanted to let you know that—-”

ELAYNE: “Yeah?”

JERRY: “Well that I really —really—–well —you know.”

ELAYNE:(Looks a little annoyed, and then smiles) “No Jerry. I don’t know. ”

JERRY: “Do I really have to say i?”

ELAYNE: “Yes you do.”(She smiles, her eyes are glowing)

(Suddenly we see that all the cops are standing behind Jerry ,eavesdropping on his call. )

OFFICER #1: “Just say it for Christ sakes, would ya? ”

OFFICER #2:”Yeah ! Your killin me oveah heah!”(They all start laughing)

(Jerry is startled, puts his hand over the phone and makes the “shush sign.” They all go silent and several of the officers make the shush sign at the others in the back who are still oblivious to what’s happening)

JERRY: “Elayne—-you wanna do it? You know—-you and me—get hitched?”

(We see Elayne’s face beam——we then see the scene change, and an indicator that 4 months has passed and we see Elayne in a white wedding gown with Jerry ,standing in front of a Rabbi)

Elayne: “Yes, I do.”

(The Rabbi then asks Jerry the same question, “Do you take this woman etc etc”and he also says yes. They are pronounced “Man and wife” as the crowd applauds. They kiss.We then pan to the audience. We see Peterman with Natasha. They apparently are a couple now. We see Jerry’s mother grinning from hear to ear. Georges parents are there, blowing kisses at Jerry and Elayne. Georges mom is holding her hands to her breast and beaming. His father is giving Jerry a big thumbs up. Kramer is crying, and is with Bob Sackinawa who is consoling him.Waaaay off in the back, almost in the shadows, we see Newman. He is gnashing his teeth mumbling —eating a chicken drumstick—his face is covered with grease—he is the old Newman again.The camera zooms in on him as he is mumbling and eating at the same time)

NEWMAN: “I’ll get you Seinfeld. I’ll get you! Oh your daaay is coming my friend. Make nooo mistake!”


(FINAL SCENE——We see that George is double dipping and even triple dipping his chip, apparently untouched by all the emotional outpouring around him. He still has the same over size tux.As the wedding ceremony ends, the scene changes and we now see Jerry and Elayne running in slow motion down the stretch to Jerry’s limo. Everyone is throwing confetti and “Super man music” is playing. As they are running Elayne gets confetti in her eye and it throws her off and she trips and falls.Jerry doesn’t see it at first. He gets to the limo and sees Elayne is waaaay back, and on the ground. He runs back to her,again in slow motion with more “Superman music” He then picks her up and carries her back to the limo. As he gets to the limo, he stops and turns around as his driver opens the door. He looks down at Elayne and kisses her. After the kiss—Jerry looks up at the camera, smiles, a star flicks from his eyes and the movie is over/credits start to roll.)

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(We see that Jerry,George and Kramer are back in the same room they were before, the difference being that this time, their feet are also tied together.)

GEORGE: “Ya know, would it kill this guy to let us have something to eat?”

KRAMER: “Oh maaan, I could use a good hot roast beef sandwich right now.”

GEORGE: “I mean—-the guy is probably gonna kill us anyways—-so would it be too much to ask for a decent meal? ”

KRAMER: “Sing it sister!”

JERRY: “Yeah, I don’t think we’re gonna be gettin any roast beef sandwichs. ”

KRAMER: “Ya know, if we were vegans, we wouldn’t be in this fix. ”

GEORGE: “No, I still would’ve left. I needed some food.Damn Soup Nazi!”

JERRY: “Vegan sounds pretty good right now.”

KRAMER: “Ummmmmm—–I’d take a bean burrito right now.Lots of chili,hot sauce.Ooooh mama.”

JERRY:”Ok, thats enough talking about the food!”

GEORGE: (Seemingly ignoring Jerry’s warning) “Ya know,I wonder why there’s never any vegan zombies?”

JERRY: (Sounding annoyed and tired) “George?” Continue Reading »

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(We are now back at the wedding. Everyone is still glued to the TV. Some people are looking at their watches, some are glued to the TV. Many look annoyed and irritated. Kramer’s Russian wife Natasha is in the middle of some insane rant)

NATASHA: “I knew I shouldn’t have let my Kramer come to this wedding without me.You know what? He never have this problem, if he with me,OK? ”

ELAYNE: (Who is standing with Peterman, watching the news) “I just hope Jerry is OK!”

PETERMAN: “Aren’t you worried about George? Or Kramer?”

ELAYNE: “Meh. They’ll be fine.” (waves her hand—then looks sad again) “But Jerrrrry. Ohhhhh.”

(She starts to cry.Peterman sees this and is shocked, and turns away. He looks serious)

THE DOORMAN: “Well, I’ll tell you what—whatever happened to Jerry, I can tell you whose fault it was. It was that little short guy with the big tux. He’s somehow tied up in all this.I knew there was somethin fishy about him!” Continue Reading »

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(We now find ourselves at police headquarters in the NYPD. We see several police officers looking thru a data base. They are sitting around watching the video the girl in the deli made, playing the section over and over where Kramer says “Davola?” It is difficult to hear exactly what Kramer said, and the officers are arguing over which name they should focus on)

OFFICER #1: “Davello. That’s what he said.”

OFFICER #2: “Davello? Nah nah—-he said Davola.”

OFFICER #3: “Hmmm—-yeah I think he said Davello.”

OFFICER #4: “No no, it’s obviously Davola.”

OFFICER #!: “Well one things for sure—-its not a first name. Thats a last name.”

(Suddenly the police chief enters the room)

POLICE CHIEF: “Anything new on the Seinfeld case?” Continue Reading »

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(Scene 7 starts as Jerry,George and Kramer are in the process of freeing themselves. The kidnapers are in the other room,apparently oblivious to what is going on. Davola is trying to fix the camera. He has put some new batteries into the camcorder, and it still isn’t working. Tony, his accomplice is smoking a cigarette,laughing at him as he becomes more and more frustrated.)

DAVOLA: (Holds up camera) (said slowly with malice)”WHY. ISN’T. THIS. WORKING?”

TONY: “You sure you turned it on?”

DAVOLA: (Looking annoyed) “Is that supposed to be funny?”

TONY: (Walks over with some irritation) “Here, let me see it.”

DAVOLA: “HEY! Hands off.”

TONY: “Joe, let me see it!”

DAVOLA: “You think I’m stupid?”

TONY: “Now come on Joe, I never said—”

DAVOLA: “Oh I get it. You think I’m a moron don’t you? You think I don’t know how to run a camcorder?” Continue Reading »

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(Jerry,George,and Kramer are in a panic. The kidnappers have put them in a room and they are tied to chairs, and their hands are also tied. They also still have burlap sacks on their head. )

GEORGE: “Hey Jerry: you think they might give us something to eat? I’m starvin here. ”

JERRY: “Oh yeahhhh—I’m sure they’re in the next room making us allll sandwiches George!”

KRAMER: “Yeah George? I think we have bigger fish to fry right now.”

GEORGE: “Ohhhh that sounds good.”

JERRY: “What sounds good? ”

GEORGE: “Fried fish. Ummmmm—”

KRAMER: “I can’t believe you’re thinking about food when we’re tied to chairs here. ” Continue Reading »

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(As the scene with Newman eating roast beef fades out, the camera pans back to Jerry, George and Kramer who are laying down in the back of the kidnappers van with their hands tied and burlap sacks over their heads. George is freaking out.)

GEORGE: “Damn it Kramer! This is all your fault!”

KRAMER: “ME? How is it my fault?”

GEORGE: “WHYYYYYY couldn’t you keep your mouth shut? WHYYYYY did you have to yell out his name?”

KRAMER: “Wellll—I guess I didn’t think it thru!”

JERRY: “You know what Kramer? I agree with George. This is all your fault! George and I didn’t even want to be here—but NOOOO—YOU haaaaad to have us come to the wedding!”

KRAMER: “Well—you could’ve said no?”

GEORGE: “WE DID say no. But as usual, you kept pushing us!”

JERRY: “Yeah, you’re a pusher Kramer.”

GEORGE: (shouting) “Pushaaa!”

(Davola turns his head around)

DAVBOLA: “HEY! Shut up back there,or I’ll shut you up.”

(The guys all stop talking ,but after a few seconds George starts up ,this time in a whisper)

GEORGE: “(whispering loudly) “Pushaaa.”

KRAMER: “Hey Davola? What are you gonna do with us?”

DAVOLA: “(Laughing) “Well Kramer, we haven’t decided yet. But don’t worry—we won’t forget about you guys.”(They both laugh)

JERRY:(whispering) “Guys we have to escape. Davola is a nut! ”

GEORGE: (also whispering)”Well Jerry, if you have a plan, I’m all ears!”

(Suddenly the car stops. Davola and his companion, both get out of the van. Davola then opens the back door of the van)

DAVOLA: “OK lets go——–and NO funny stuff.”

JERRY: “Trust me, I’ve never felt less inclined to be funny than I do right now.”

KRAMER: “Where are you taking us?”

(Davola’s companion gives Kramer a push)

DAVOLA’S FRIEND: “Stop askin so many questions!”

GEORGE: “Kramer I swear to God—”

(Davola pushes George)

DAVOLA: “You too tubby. No more talking!”

(We see that they appear to be in some low rent area, possibly in Brooklyn, or maybe the Bronx.The kidnapers quickly push the three hooded hostages thru a door which leads to a stairway)

DAVOLA: “OK boys—we’ve got a bit of walking to do. MOVE.”

(We see Jerry,George and Kramer walking up a long flight of stairs as the scene ends)

(Scene 4 takes us back to the wedding. We see Elayne is nearly hysterical, and everyone is standing around the big screen TV—some are watching the news, others are looking down at their phones. )

PLAZA MANAGER: “May I have everyone’s attention?”

(Everyone turns around and sees a man standing with two security guards and several policeman)

PLAZA MANAGER: “Look folks—-until we know more information on this kidnaping,we’re going to ask that no one leave this area.”

ANONYMOUS MAN IN THE CROWD:” Are we in any danger?”

PLAZA MANAGER: “No, not that we are aware of. But nevertheless, we feel that until this issue has been resolved and we know the whereabouts of these kidnapers that everyone remain here.”

BABU: “I trust you. You very good man, I can tell.”(Looks sad at the policeman) “Sir—-do you have any information as to what is happening with my dear friend Jerry Seinfeld?”

POLICEMAN #1:” No we have no information at this time. However, we have NYPD officers taking statements right now from all the people who were in the deli when this event occurred.”

BABU: “Well—I hope they catch the men who did this. They are verry very bad men!”

(Waves index finger back n forth)

POLICEMAN #2: “Well sir, when we get more information we will let you and everyone else now—ok?”

(Looks at everyone in the room, begins to speak in a louder more authoritative tone)

POLICEMAN #2 “Until then, I suggest you all just stay calm and let us handle this, OK?”

(As the policeman finishes saying this, everyone in the crowd goes back to looking at their phones. We then pan back to the deli as we see police officers questioning the other customers in the Deli where Jerry,George and Kramer where kidnaped.)

POLICEMAN #1 : “OK, I need everyone to stay calm! ”

(The people are all shouting at once)

POLICEMAN #2 :” Folks! FOLKS! One at a time!” (Looks at the obese woman who had been in front of them “Abusing the sample priviledge”)

POLICEMAN #2: ” OK Maam,let’s start with you. Did you get a good look at the kidnapers?”

OBESE WOMAN: “No,no I didn’t. They had masks on—BUT—Mr Seinfeld seemed to know
who one of them was.”

(Another man yells out)

ANONYMOUS MAN: “His friend did too!”

(The crowd all agrees and we hear them all start talking at once in agreement)

POLICEMAN #2: “OK OK—-Did he utter the mans name?”

ANONYMOUS WOMAN #1: “Jerry didn’t. But his friend called him Davella—or was it Davola?”

ANONMYOUS MAN #2: “No no! It was Davello!”

POLICEMAN #1(Writes down the names, speaking the names as he writes them out) “Da—vell—–aaaa.Da—-vooooooo—-laaaaaa. Da—-vell——ooooo.”

POLICEMAN #2: “Did anyone hear a first name?”

OBESE WOMAN: “No, he only said Davooola.”

ANONYMOUS MAN #2: “Noooo—–NO! I told ya—-it was DAVELLLLOOO—not DAVOOOLLLLA!

(He gives the obese woman and annoyed look)

OBESE WOMAN: (Looks at man and gives him a pompous smirk) “Well sir——I was RIGHT next to them, so I think I know what he said.”

POLICEMAN #1(Looks at Policeman #2) “Run a FBI check on these three names and see what comes up”(Looks back at crowd) “OK did anyone get the license plate or make of the car the kidnapers used?”

OBESE WOMAN: “They made us all sit down, so we couldn’t see the license plate!”

(Suddenly, the little girl who filmed the video steps up from behind the crowd: “It was a white Van.”

POLICEMAN #1: “Honey, did you see the license plate?”

LITTLE GIRL: “I don’t know. I filmed the video with my phone tho.”

(She takes out her phone, loads up the video and hands it over to the policeman, who immediately starts watching it )

POLICEMAN #!: “Little girl, can we borrow your phone for awhile? ”

LITTLE GIRL: “I guess so. As long as you bring it back.”

POLICEMAN #1: (Laughs) “Don’t worry hun,we’ll bring it back as soon as we’ve downloaded the footage.” (turns and looks at everyone) “OK everyone, when Officer McCarthy comes back, he’s goping to take statements from all of you, OK? ”

(The crowd groans)

POLICEMAN #1: “Look I’m sorry, but we need to do this. ”

OBESE WOMAN: “Can we order food while we wait?”

(Everyone laughs)

POLICEMAN #1: “Sure—why not? I think I’ll have something myself.”

(Scene ends)


(We go back to the wedding. People are all discussing whats happened. some are watching TV, some are looking at their phones. Newman sees his wife to be Shari crying ,sitting with her Father. Newman walks over to the table.)

NEWMAN: “Shari? Pookie?”

SHARI’S FATHER: “She doesn’t want to talk to you right now”

NEWMAN: (Looking a bit unnerved) “Please sir. I know you don’t like me but,I love your daughter, and I just want to(Looks away in pain—he obviously doesn’t want to say what he’s about to say) APOLOGIIIIZE for the way I behaved .”

(Shari looks up at Newman, and then dives her head back into her fathers shoulder crying even harder)

NEWMAN: “Look honey—-I’m sorry I said those things about Jerry. I just —-well,I went a little crazy. Jerry and I have a (Looks away with malice) commmmplicated relationship. But, he IS my friend and—”

SHARI’S FATHER: (Looking annoyed) “Oh can the bullshit Newman. I heard what you said in that kitchen. You hate Jerry—you loooooathe him! REMEMBERRRR?”

NEWMAN: “I was just upset!”

SHARI: (Sobbing) “No—no—you weren’t. You meant it Newman. You meant it! Bwaaaaaaaaaaa”(Keeps crying)

NEWMAN:”Honey! Pookie! what do you want me to do? I’ll do anything! Just tell me. (Looks chagrined) “Look—-if you want to put off the wedding to another day, that’s fine with me.”

SHARI: “Newman, you don’t understand. I can’t marry you now. I saw—a side. I saw a side of you that I didn’t know you had—and it scared me Newman. Now—GO AWAAAAY.”

(Leans back into her fathers shoulder, starts crying again. Shari’s father looks at Newman with a stern righteous face. He looks almost a bit relieved, but his hate for Newman has never been more clear)

NEWMAN: “OK—OK—-we’ll talk later, when you’ve calmed down.” (He walks away, looking devastated. He stops and growls)

NEWMAN: “KRAMER.This is alllll his fault. I hope they torture him and flay him, that Seinfeld loving pustule!”

(The camera now pans to the outside of the hall. We see two people, a man and a beautiful proud well dressed woman walking up to the door at the entrance of the hall. The Doorman sees them and quickly gets up)

DOORMAN: “Excuse me? Excuse me? What are you doing here?”

WOMAN: (In a thick Russian accent) “Get out of way.”

(She pushes him aside and walks towards the door—the man she is with quickly runs ahead and opens the door for her, they both walk in. We now see them walking in the wedding hall. The man is looking around with wonder, but the woman seems to have more purpose in her walk. She walks up to the policeman and taps him on the shoulder)

WOMAN: “Excuse me, my name is Natasha? I am looking for my husband.”

POLICEMAN #1: “OK maam, what is his name?”

WOMAN: “Cosmo Kramer.”

(Elayne and Peterman, who were sitting close by, suddenly perk up and look over at the woman)

POLICEMAN #1: “Cosmo?”

WOMAN: “YES. COSSSSMOOO. I know, it is crazy stupid American name.”

(Elayne looks at Peterman and walks over to Kramers wife.)

ELAYNE: “Excuse me—-did you just say you were married to Cosmo Kramer? ”

NATASHA: “Yes? ”

ELAYNE(Smiles, throws head back) “well—I’m one of his best friends—Elayne Benis. So nice to meet you!”

(She holds out her hand. Natasha does not accept it and gives Elayne a cold look)

NATASHA: “You friends with my Cosmo? Why he never tell me about you?”

ELAYNE: (looking a little hurt and slightly put off) “Well,we haven’t hung out in a long time—”

NATASHA: “You know he is my husband, right? ”

ELAYNE:”Well—yeah—NOW I do—but—”

NATASHA: (Looks at the man she is with ) “Bob, you know this girl? Why he lie to me?”

ELAYNE: (Looks angry) “Girl? Listen Natashaaa—“(Peterman quickly restrains Elayne and moves forward)

PETERMAN: “My dear Natasha—I am Elayne’s husband, J Peterman. Elayne hasn’t seen your husband for a very long time. You needn’t fear.”

NATASHA(Looks astonished) “YOUUUU J Peterman?The man who own clothing company?”

PETERMAN: (Smiling) “The same.”

(He grabs Natasha’s hand and kisses it. Elayne is NOT pleased, and looks away with an irritated look)

NATASHA: Oh I love your fashion! I always buy the Peterman clothes, purses—-seee?”(she holds up her purse. Peterman smiles)

PETERMAN: “Ah yes—–the suaaaaavaaay model. Retail price $1500, leather exterior, comes in 4 colors—white, red,black and red.”

NATASHA: “Yes I love it, the suavaaay! I have all 4 colors to match all my outfits ”

(She holds the purse and twirls like a model. Peterman is obviously smitten. Elayne has noticed and instantly comes back into the conversation)

ELAYNE: “You spent $1500 on a purse? UGH. That’s crazy.”

NATASHA: “No dahling, I spend $6000 on the FOUR purses, OK? You know what? I don’t trust the woman who not have a nice purse!”

ELAYNE: “Oh really? Well—I don’t trust a woman who can’t speak proper English who acts like she’s some sort of big shot! How do you like that?”

PETERMAN: “Ladies, LAAAADIES! Let’s not fight. Natasha, as you know we’re all very concerned about your husband.”

NATASHA: “You concerned for him? Why you concerned for him?”

PETERMAN: “Didn’t you hear the news? ”

NATASHA: “No! I never watch stupeeeedo American news. ”

ELAYNE: (To herself) “Wow, what a shock.”

PETERMAN:(Makes a concerned face) “Natasha—your husband Cosmo was kidnaped today along with Jerry Seinfeld and his friend George Costanza.”

NATASHA: “My Cosmo? KIDNAPPED?????Oh no Oh NOO no no no no!!!”

(She starts to literally throw a fit, and runs into her companions arms)

NATASHA’S “Companion”: “Now Natasha, don’t worry! I’ve known Cosmo for years. He has been in a lot of weird scrapes, but he always comes out fine.”

(Elayne looks over at Natasha’s “companion” and walks over to him, with a questioning look on her face)

ELAYNE: “You’ve known Kramer for years? Who are you? ”

NATASHA’S COMPANION: “Bob—Bob Sackinawa at your service.”

ELAYNE:”WOW—-so YOU’RE Bob Sackinawa.”

BOB SACKINAWA:”I’m Bob Sackinawa. Giddy yap!”

ELAYNE: “Wow. you know Kramer used to always talk about you!”

BOB SACKINAWA: “Hmm—-And you are?”

ELAYNE: “Elayne. Elayne Benis.”(Looks around nervously) “Soooo——did Cosmo ever talk about me?”

BOB SACKINAWA: (With no hesitation) “Nope. Not that I recall.”

(Elayne looks a little disappointed)

ELAYNE: “Really? Not once? You know——we hung out a lot! A LOT.”

(Gives dirty look at Natasha, who glares back at her)

BOB SACKINAWA: “Nooo—-he mentioned Jerry all the time. He always talked about Jerry. He really idolized—JERRY.”

ELAYNE: “OK, OK, I get it. ”

(Natasha now walks over) “My Kramer is smart classy guy. He not waste his time with village girls.”

ELAYNE: (Looks at Natasha with blood in her eyes) “Excuse me, are you calling me a village girl?”

NATASHA: “No,No. I only say my Cosmo have the good taste. ”

(Peterman looks in horror as Elayne starts to walk towards Natasha. She is obviously ready to lose it)

ELAYNE: “Listen—NATAAAASHA! For your information, I have known Kramer for a lonnng—lonnng time,OK?” (She walks closer. Natasha backs up a little)” I knew him before he ever met you. I knew him when you were probably back in moscow, or wherever you come from pole dancing or doing whatever it was that you did! ”

NATASHA: “I was Opera singer for great conservatory!”

ELAYNE: “Oh whatever. The point is, the only girl who is from a VILLAGE is YOU. I am from New York, OK? so take your —(Looks she is going to explode) VILLLLLAGE Girl talk and stick it where the —”

(Peterman jumps in)

PETERMAN: “OK Elayne? I think you made your point! Lets leave Natasha and Bob alone for now.”(Looks at Natasha and Bob) “It was great to meet you both!”

NATASHA: “Goodbye Mr Peterman! Goodbye—VILLAGE GIRL!”

(Elayne turns around and starts to run at Natasha—Peterman catches her and picks her up—her legs are still moving like she’s running—he waves and carries her into the next room)