Being a traveling musician, you usually don’t work much in the daytime, so you get a chance to watch a lot of movies, both during the day and late at night after your performance is finished.

Now most people don’t think of “watching movies” as “educational”—— but they’re wrong!!
Let me share with you a few “lessons” I have learned from watching movies—especially the scary and suspense filled ones:

  1. Never take “a shortcut”, especially if you’re accompanied by a group of teenagers/young adults—that’s always trouble.
  2. If you do end up taking the shortcut, stay as far away from the “jerk” of the group as you can, because that person always gets eaten first.
  3. NEVER make love out in the woods!! Something terrible always happens.
  4. NEVER go and “check something out”—especially at night, by yourself. That goes double if the area you’re “checking out” is “hidden away” or “Underground”—be smart and call for help!! Let someone else go in there.
  5. Listen CAREFULLY to “the crazy old guy” who tells you about “The Legend of_______” THAT GUY always knows something that could save your life later when some creepy “Monster/person” is trying to kill you and your friend.
  6. To all the black people out there reading this: If you’re going on an “Off Road trip” with a bunch of white people, WATCH OUT!! Make sure to take LOTS of weapons—not because of the white people, but because you are always targeted first by any psychos/monsters/weirdos/animals—well you get the point.
  7. If you’re running thru the woods with your girlfriend,9 times out of ten, she’s going to trip. Be prepared to carry her.
  8. If you actually do encounter an “evil presence” of some kind bent on your destruction, ALWAYS make sure that you REALLY KILLED IT if you have to fight for your life, because invariably, it will “still be alive” even after you thought it was dead, and it will cause you still more problems. Don’t just “shoot it and walk away “——-DISMEMBER the monster!!! Burn it, pour acid on it—-Trust me, it’s not dead!!!
  9. If you’re looking for someone in the house and can’t find them/they don’t answer when you call their name, DONT KEEP LOOKING FOR THEM!! GET OUT FAST!!! Sorry, but they’re ALREADY DEAD!!!! And the monster? ITS IN THE HOUSE!!! RUN!!!
  10. NO SWIMMING. Especially not if you’re drunk and/or naked. If there’s one thing I have learned from movies—stay away from the water. Monsters love to hide in little lakes and ponds and drag people under.
    (BTW—Boats are no help either!! They can be tipped over by whatever is after you—–)
  11. If you’re in outer space/exploring other planets DONT go to “the surface” on the first expedition—Stay on the ship!!!! Also, you want to avoid being around the “cocky guy from a foreign country who doesn’t believe in the mission “. THAT guy is gonna get infected or eaten right away.
  12. Always listen to the person who is freaked out and has a “crazy story” to tell about “what’s going on”. In every horror movie, there’s one person who has it figured out/knows what’s going on, and NO ONE EVER BELIEVES THEM——–until its too late. Damn it people!! Believe that insane story!! THEY’RE TELLING THE TRUTH!!!

If you follow these rules, you MIGHT survive your own horror movie situation



  1. This is so funny – and so true!!!


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