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(To be read with maximum irony and sarcasm)


Dear Female musical artists:

Please,PLEASE write more songs about “what jerks your ex boyfriend was” and how “they’ll never get you back”. I think we need more songs like that.

OK that’s a lie. We have enough of these songs already!!

So Guys,please,PLEASE—-STOP screwing women over so  we don’t have to listen to anymore of these dreadful  songs!!!!

Also,please make sure to over expose yourself in every video—lots of “Twerking”,see thru outfits.After all, anyone can write a good song—but not many people have a great ass! So shake it toots!!!

And remember this—-the key to a musical career in the 21st century is DANCING. The more dancers on stage, the less people will notice if your music is any good or not.

So LOTS of dancers, MMMkay? .

OK, lets talk to the guys now——


To all my fellow male recording artists:

“Please——-PLEASE—-can you write MORE songs about “how hot your girlfriend is” and how “You can’t live without her”?? Make sure to mention in the lyrics about “What a schmuck you are” and “How you don’t deserve her”. I can never get enough of that sentiment.  😉

Next,when making a video, make sure you dress like a typical schlub from off the street. That will show everyone how REAL you are. Dressing up/trying to look different from the audience is so last century!   Only posers do that. (shakes head)

Also,for Gods SAKE,DON’T play ANY RIFFS or “phrases” in your music!! I can’t emphasize this enough. If it’s memorable, it’s not “hip.” So again,let me emphasize this point:

I don’t want to hear any musical phrases!!!

And no virtuosity!!  STRUMMING ONLY. No solos or(Gasp) “extended instrumental sections!!”  (UGh! So dated! ) If you’re not singing, how am I supposed to know what the song is about? If I want classical music, I’ll go ride an elevator.  (Smirks)

ALSO, NO KEY CHANGES.  That is so “Old school” (shudders)

Look guys—–Just find one idea and repeat it over and over again. It just sounds better and besides, you aren’t a good enough musician to know how to develop it  and most people don’t want to hear it all that rubbish anyways———- right??

So why put in all that effort?

Instead of wasting time writing a bunch of weird music no one really cares about, put that effort into working out in the gym. You know—-make sure you have “six pack abs” and a nice ass and some “Guns”. That way,all the hot babes in the audience won’t care about all those “notes” your playing. They’ll be to busy “checkin out your fine self!!”

Also, (and this is a big one)I don’t want to hear any “original ideas” or content in your “New music”.

If it doesn’t sound like something I’ve already heard, you’re wasting you’re time with me. The fact is,If it doesn’t remind of something I like,I get scared and then I’m done with your song and you just wasted all your time.

So in sum:

When you’re writing you’re next song, just remember:

You’re “a douche”, “She’s too good for you” and K.I.S.S.(Keep it simple stupid).

That’s the key to musical success and having a “hit song” in the 21st century.



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