1) “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Speaking of beards,how does Superman shave?”
2) “I’m having a party–to celebrate diversity. (By invitation only)
3) “My vacuum sucks.”
4) “I forgot Memorial Day. But thank goodness I had Labor day off”
5) “Did you what hear what happened to the alcoholic in Canada? He asked a guy where the nearest “AA” chapter was,and 10 minutes later,his car got towed—–”
6) (Note to self: An “anagram” is not the same thing as a “Palindrome”—you betcha!!”)
7) “As the musician once said:
“We’ll play it by ear.”
8) Supposedly one of the signs of “going crazy” is when you hear voices in your head. But seriously,how is that crazy? Where ELSE would you hear voices?
You know who’s crazy? The guy who hears voices “in his legs”.
9) A question for all my religious friends:
If we’re all “Children of God”,what’s so special about Jesus?
Hey,I’m JUST saaaaayin.
10) The story of the origin of the phrase “Long story short—” is extremely complicated. You see,it allllllll started waaaaaaay back——–
11) “I must stop procrastinating!! Time to make a list and get going!!”
12) I remember reading the true life story of a guy who was hiking in the Australian outback,fell into a crevice got stuck and had to cut his hand off to get out,and I wondered:
“Hmmm—could I do that?? Would I have the courage? Would I be able to make such a sacrifice?”
The answer is,YES———I would have no problem sawing that guys hand off.