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1) “Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza? He ate it before it was cool—”

2) “Why did the scarecrow win the award? Because he was outstanding in his field—-”

3) Whenever you hear someone describe a product with the phrase “It’s a good value”, you know that

A)It probably isn’t, and

B)That it’s over priced!!

4) Whatever happened to those “Color Coded Terror Alerts”??   Ahhh—–“The good ole days”

5) So it turns out that Twinkies aren’t filled with “Wholesome Goodness”,”The Affordable Health Care Act” really isn’t “affordable”, children did get “left behind” in the “No Child Left Behind Act”, the “Clear Skies Initiative” didn’t help make our skies any clearer, and “Operation Iraqi Freedom” sure as hell didn’t free the Iraqis!!

(Gasp) It would appear that names of laws and claims on ads are often the exact opposite of what they say!!

Wow. Shocking.

6) There was once a band from England who met in school during science class. Half the band wanted to name themselves “The Square Wheels”. The other half wanted to call themselves “The Rolling Stones”. They all got F’s.

7) “Those who know the least obey the best”

8) The Door’s song “Break on thru to the other side” is almost exactly the same groove and chord progression as “Tequila”. There’s a great medley there for some “Ambitious youngster”  who wants to make a name for themselves. Just sayin.

9) Speaking of old bands, I went to the “Missing Persons Bureau” yesterday. There was a woman there with the name tag “Dale Bozzio”. I think she said hi, but “I couldn’t hear her”—— and “I didn’t care.”

10) Here’s a question that never gets asked: What year was it when Jesus was born? I wonder if anyone knows? After all, it couldn’t have been “Zero”, right?

11) I looked around the other day and noticed there was still lots of evil,killing war and injustice in the world. Apparently all those drum circles, protests and peace songs in the major key have had no effect whatsoever.  Oh well—-maybe THIS time eh?

12) I always hear people say ” Oh it’s apples and oranges” when they accuse you of comparing two completely different things. But really,when you think about it,apples and oranges aren’t really THAT different from each other. Both are fruits that grow on trees——-one is orange,the other red.

Where’s the big difference?

13) If “The Law of Natural Selection” is the basis for all life on earth today and Darwin was correct about “survival of the fittest”, then why are there so many stupid morons everywhere I go?

14) You never see a “smiling runner”—–

15) My lucky number is 5.14732—you can can see my dilemna.

16) Here’s one thing you rarely see:

A well dressed quiet eloquent man with a British accent getting out of a noisy pick up truck that has a gun rack.


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