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1) “Two tomatoes were in a hurry crossing the street. When one of them got hit by a car, his friend looked back and said “HEY! CATCH UP!!”

2) Two hats were on a coat rack. One said to the other: “You stay here—I’ll go on ahead”

3) Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One said to the other: “I think I lost my electron”.
Then the other said: “Are you sure?” so the first one said: “Oh yeah—I’m positive”

4)I’m thinking of never using the saying “Well—-it’s the least I can do” ever again. If you think about it, telling that to someone is really kind of a slap in the face. I’m not sure you should tell someone that what you just did “was the least you could do” —Couldn’t you have done more?

In fact,when you tell someone “It’s the least I can do” it’s like saying:

“I really don’t want to get involved, but I knew I had to do something so you wouldn’t feel insulted”

5)”Analysis”,”Analogy”,”Analytical”—-these words all refer to thinking, to being “intellectual”——, and they all have the same word embedded in all of them:         “ANAL”.

Now I ask you:

How did the act of thinking and a certain area of the human anatomy get “intertwined” like that?

Your “analysis” please?

6) “When it comes to music, I think whoever named the keys “Major” and “Minor” got it backwords. I say this because “minor key music” always sounds “heavy” and well——more like something”major” is happening!

Contrariwise, “Major keys” are usually used to create “happy and light moods”, and rarely to express serious moods or emotions. Oh well——

7) Here’s a few people I’ve never met:

A)A woman named “Listerine” who has really bad breath, but a good heart.

B)A man named “Silvio” who was a successful businessman and drove a Porsche.

C)A kid named “Dante” who was famous for his good behavior and manners.

D) A woman named “Joy” who was addicted to Prozac.

8)Rarely do words that end in “ist” ever have a good connotation:

Think about it:

There’s “Communist”,”Masochist”, “Sadist”, “Rapist”, “Fascist”, “Sexist”, “Anarchist”,”Marxist”,”Atheist”, “Pugilist”,”Statist”,”Conspiracy Theorist” and on and on.

But lets not forget the words & phrases that end in “er” :

“Truther”,”Doom & Gloomer”,”Birther”,”Holocaust Denier”,”Believer”, “Hater”,”Cheater”,”Molestor”, “Offender”,”Killer”,”Murderer”,”Embezzler”

So if you think about it, when it comes to negatively, we often use two sounds in the words we use to describe it::


So while we may think we’re modern, when it comes down to it, when we don’t like people, we’re still basically hissing and growling at them.

9)The next time I go to a Mexican restaurant, I’m gonna ask them to serve me some FRIED beans. I don’t want “refried beans”!!  I want fresh food, not “left overs!!”


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