(To be read with “Tongue planted firmly in cheek”)
(Clears Throat)To all the guys out there: (Puffs up chest)
It has come to my attention that many men out there simply don’t understand how womens minds work, or how to behave around them.(Makes pompous sneer) I always hear statements like:
“What do women want? No one knows” and drivel like that.
Guys, it’s not that difficult!!
Ok, it isn’t easy—but it’s not impossible to figure this whole “Male and Female” thing out.
But, since some of you “tri-pods” out there just can’t seem to figure this out on your own, I have decided to offer my services and “Extensive knowledge” of the opposite sex that I have learned the hard way so you can avoid all the pain and suffering I have dealt with.
1)When you have a girlfriend who is upset, just sit her down and help her solve the problem!! Don’t let her whine about it! Just tell her to be quiet and show her logically how to fix the issue she is upset about.
Women love a man who does that!! I can’t emphasize this enough. She is waiting for you to fix her man! Get busy!
2)When a woman asks you how she looks, don’t lie to her and tell her “she looks great” if she doesn’t! Don’t be a pussy!!
Women appreciate honesty, so “If her butt looks really big in that dress”, don’t tell her “she looks great!” UGH No no—- Point out that flaw, but in a loving way.
Trust me ,women want to know things like this, and she’ll appreciate your honesty in regards to her looks, even it hurts her feelings!!
3)When a woman is “cleaning up in the house” for GODS SAKE don’t help her!! Let her finish the job herself.
Believe me,if you try to help her, she’ll think less of you. She’ll think:
“What kind of man cleans up after himself? UGH—- I want a REAL MAN who makes a mess—not some hamster helping me with the chores”
No, the best thing you can do is stay on that couch and let her clean up your mess. That’s what a real man does BRUAAAH.
4)When you’re about to get intimate with a woman, make sure to leave your socks on. Women LOVE that.In fact, they will be disappointed if you take them off!!
Just like we are attracted to women who come to bed “With only a pair of hi heels” They are also equally turned on by our dirty black socks—— so guys, don’t forget those socks!
(Also, don’t fiddle around in bed.Get right to business!! Women LOVE IT when a man “doesn’t waste time in Bed.” They want to get right to it, and if you take too long, you’ll bore them! )
5) One thing most men don’t know is how much most women secretly love Star Trek. Sure, there are a few “outspoken ladies” who voice their contempt for the show and all things “Sci-Fi”—but those women are in the minority, believe me!
The fact is,most women would like nothing better than watching a “Star Trek marathon”–especially the original series!1 Women love that one the best because of all the “sexy outfits”” the women wear, and of course, Shatner’s amazing acting always gets the ladies. It gives them alllll kinds of ideas, let me tell you!! (Heh heh)
So if you want to really surprise your girlfriend, take her to a Rush concert and then home for an evening of “Star Trek”. She’ll take you places that “No man has gone before” after that.
6)When you live with a woman,make sure to constantly tell her that as a man, “You’re the king of the castle”. Here’s why:
Women like an “assertive man” . They WANT to be “Given direction”, and even if they make more $ than you (or you make no money at all) they STILL expect you to boss them around and tell them how dumb they are and “How they could be doing better” whenever possible.
(Seriously, how else will they learn, right?)
Oh sure—-some of them will call you names like “abusive” and “A monster”——-WHATEVER. Those women are probably lesbians,right? Heh heh
(Hi fives imaginary friend)
REAL women WANT a man to grab them by the proverbial hair and put them in their place———so show her whose boss dude!!
7)Whenever you “Go on a date” with a woman, always make her pay her own way.
(Hey, we live in the age of “Equal Rights” —–right?)
This is a key to having a woman know “where the boundaries in the relationship are” The best way to do this and to “Set the mood” is make sure she has some $$ on her and is prepared to pay her own way.
Otherwise, you might get to the restaurant and you could have a big scene when the check comes and you don’t want that—-right?
Sure, some women will say “you’re cheap” and may even refuse to go out with you after you demand they pay their own way,but trust me, you don’t want to go out with those women.!!
(THEY are the ones who are cheap, right? )
A REAL woman wont mind paying her own way and will be insulted if you offer to pay the check or (Gasp) give her a gift.
(UGH. Women especially hate gifts)
8)When you meet a woman’s family, make sure to tell her what you think of them! If she has a dopey brother,well—-she needs to know that! If she has a hot sister,or her mom is a “MILF” again–well,-she will appreciate that information!
(Hey, it might make her work harder for your affection if she knows she has some competition—-right?)
Also, don’t forget to make fun of her in front of her family. Most women have a great sense of humor and they will love seeing that “Jolly fun side” of you.
(Especially when it comes to personal information about themselves—that really “Cracks them up”)
9)When you’re in a club/or a party, don’t “hover around her” too much! Spread out—MINGLE. Trust me, women want space and they don’t want you around them the whole time. Nothing makes a woman respect you more than seeing you “Fraternize” with other people in the club/party—especially other women!
Women like that because then they know you understand women and can relate to them ALL—-not just her.
Now I have to give this little warning:
There are some women out there that (Sigh) get pissed when you flirt with other women. But hey! They don’t own you,right?
I mean, just because you took her out on a date and had sex with her a few times doesn’t mean she owns you—— right?
Look Guys, take it from me(Grabs imaginary suspenders)If a woman gets mad at you for flirting with other women or “Mingling with other people at a party”, she’s not for you. Too much headache.
10) If a woman is too smart, or has any “opinions” about politics or science, RUN!!!!
ESPECIALLY if she’s “smarter than you”.
Now before I go any further with this idea, let me just clarify that in my opinion,no woman is actually “smarter than any man” . (Laughs sarcastically)
What I am talking about are the women who THINK they are “smarter than us”. THESE are the women that cause us so many problems!!
So No no NO!! You don’t want that!
What you WANT is a “Sexy dingbat” who has the I.Q of a cactus and the body of Jessica Rabbitt who laughs at everything you say and do!!
Stay away from those “smart ones”—they are nothing but trouble.
11) Guys, women love a man who drinks, so by all means make sure when you first meet a woman to show her “just how much of a man you are” by drinking as much as possible!!
Trust me, she will be impressed by “How much of a man you are”, and she will be bragging to her friends about it the next day!!
(Especially if you get “In a fight at the club”—— Women love it when men “fight for their honor”. It makes them sooooo hot.)
So when it comes to being around women, the more alcohol, the better.
(If you’re reeeeally lucky, she might even like it when you beat her up when you’re drunk!! That’s a special kind of woman right there.A real keeper.)
12)Spend lots of time in the bathroom. Women love it when a man takes more time grooming than they do! It shows them that you really care about your appearance, and HEY—it gives HER more time to do her housework, right?
13) ALWAYS tell any girlfriend you have about alllll the women you’ve been with! Nothing pleases a woman more than knowing that the man she’s with has “a lot of experience”. In fact, tell her to “take notes” and say things like “Hey, you might learn somethin doll”
(How else will she know “what a catch you are” and how lucky she is to be with you?)
Also,make sure to not leave out ANY details!
Make especially sure to let her know about the REALLY SEXY ones you were with and “all the great things they did to you”. This is important because:
A) It shows them that they have some competition and
B)It will give them an idea of what you expect THEM to do.
It creates some very important groundwork for your sex life.
14) Speaking of “Sex”—Make sure to always have sex,whether she wants to or not.
Oh I know———–Sometimes she’ll say things like “I don’t feel good” or “I had a long day at work” or “My sister died”——-but trust me, ALL women really want it all the time, and all women LOVE “persistence”.
In fact, when a woman says “No, I don’t want to have sex right now I’m not in the mood” she is secretly disappointed when you give up and don’t “Pressure her for it”.
How else will she know that you like her?
The fact is, all those movies that show the guy “stalking a woman” and asking her over and over and her finally “giving in” and making out with him at the end despite all odds are 100% ACCURATE.
THAT’S REALITY. So remember guys: ‘No” means YES if you stay at it long enough!
Well, there’s a lot more I can tell you, but this is a good primer to get all you guys started down the road to “relationship bliss” with the significant woman in your life.