(We now go live to the “CNN NEWSROOM”)
JEFF ZUCKER(CNN President) :”Ok people, we are still losing ratings share. Focus groups show that people are getting worn out by the 24 hour “Mass shooting paradigm”—anyone have any ideas?
PIERS MORGAN:” Welll—-I could have Alex Jones on again? That was a real ratings getter!”
JEFF ZUCKER:” Piers, that was a disaster. You’re lucky you still have a job . Anyone else?”
ANDERSON COOPER:” I could start a show called Actors against Guns. You know —like what Barbara Walters would do?”(Looks pleadingly,smiles weakly)
JEFF ZUCKER:” Anderson(Makes most annoyed face possible) The ONNNLY reason you work here is you are “A Vanderbilt.” GOT IT? I can’t stand you, you little spoiled little creep!
And BTW—-I know Barbara Walters. Barbara is a personal friend of mine—and Anderson? You’re no Barbara Wawa”
(Anderson hangs head)
JEFF ZUCKER:” Let me reiterate: PEOPLE –ARE—TIIIIRED of the mass gun shooting thing. I need NEW IDEAS here folks. Something to keep people glued to our network—you know(Looks pleadingly) like the old days? Remember?
(Everyone nods their heads ,then goes quiet)
JEFF ZUCKER:”Now, I’m going to ask you again—–DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY NEWWWW IDEAS?”
(Looks around room–Alison Camerata raises her hand)
JEFF ZUCKER:”Yes Alison?”
ALISON:”How about we do a show called Alison and friends? You know—– like they have on Fox? I could be THE FOX!(smiles, looks around, everyone is looking away in disgust)
JEFF ZUCKER:” Alison, I cant believe we ever hired you. This isn’t FOXXXX. THIS(Tries to imitate James Earl Jones) IS C–N–Nnnnn” MMKAAAY? We don’t cater to horny old republican men who like to jerk off to blonde bimbos with nice legs!! GOT IT?
(Alison starts to cry, jumps up and runs out of room)
SANJAY GUPTA:” You monster! This is why no one watches CNN anymore—its because of YOU JEFF. YOU. I QUIT!”(Storms out of room)
JEFF ZUCKER:” Good Riddance SAAAAANNNNNJAAAAY! BTW—I have two words for you: WEB MD” No one cares about your damn medical advice!(Looks around frantically)ANYONE ELSE want to leave? EH?
(Everyone looks down. Suddenly, Wolf Blitzer raises his hand)
JEFF ZUCKER:(Looking exhausted) “Yes Wolf?”
WOLF BLITZER: “Why not try and hire Larry back”
JEFF ZUCKER:” LARRY? LARRY KING? Really Wolf? Thats all you got?
WOLF BLITZER:” Well—–people liked Larry—-at least some of the old people would watch if we got him back”
JEFF ZUCKER:” Wolf, its a good thing you’re Jewish and you work for AIPAC you stuttering SOB or I would have canned your ass years ago!!BTW(In a snarkier tone) if I re hire Larry, guess who he is going to replace in The Situation Room?”
WOLF BLITZER:” OEY VEY! You’re a Nazi Jeff! A NAZI!(storms out of room)