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“CLICHES ARE Sooo CLICHE”

Submitted for your amusement:

 You know, Cliches ARE “Sooooooo Cliche.”——and never are cliches more annoying then when people use them to comfort those who are in dire straits. I’ll give you an example:
Two of the most common cliches offered as consolation to people who are going thru tough times are “You just need to put it all behind you” and “It’s time to move forward”(Politicians love that last one)
Now supposedly, they mean the same thing/have the same intention. But it’s not too hard to see that these two sayings contradict each other.
After all, if you “Put it all behind you” how could you “move forward?” Don’t you need SOMETHING “in front of you?”
Also,what if you need some of your things? What about your keepsakes? Your valuables? You can’t just “Put those behind you”—— You have to TAKE THEM WITH YOU—right?
“What you need to do is to just PUT IT ALLL BEHIND YOU”
NO—I don’t think so. I have some good things “Back there”—I need some of my stuff to “move forward with me.”

But lets face it, the saying “It’s time to move forward”,is also riddled with problems! 😉
For example—–What if the person you tell this to was recently crippled?
What if they’ve just been diagnosed with an incurable disease?
What if they want to “move forward” but they’re car is in the shop?

Or lets say they HAVE a car–a GOOD car. BUT—- there’s 5 feet of snow outside, and they’re snowed in and they need to get to work in 15 minutes or they’ll lose their job and then they wont be able to pay their mortgage or their car payment and then they’ll be homeless and have no car?

(Gasps for breath)

“What we need to do is to MOVE FORWARD”—Well, I’m snowed in Sigmund. Moving forward is a major problem for me—but taaaaaaanks for your worthless cliche. .
Ok, so we’ve established that the two cliches above are basically useless—-But that being said(Ugh another cliche——sorry) WHAT SHOULD you say to someone who is “In Dire Straits?”
Well, never let it be said that I only critique and never offer any “solutions”
Here are a few possible alternatives/things you could say that I feel are much more honest and pragmatic when dealing with someone who is in a crisis situation or is trying to “Put their life back together”
1)”Stop screwing up. Its embarrassing.”
2) “Wow, you didn’t think that one thru—did ya?”
3) “Maaaan—that looks bad—–Glad I’m not you”
4) “Look dude, I’m really busy—call me when your life improves,ok?”
5) “Damn that’s harsh man. BTW—can you loan me some money? I lost my job last week”
6) “My grandparents all died in the Holocaust. Suck it up junior”
7) “Your problems are nothing compared to mine. Here—LET ME TELL YOU WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MEEEEE”
(People love it when you share YOUR problems with them when they are stressed. It shows you “relate to others” )
8) “You know , I’m getting sick and tired of your bitching!”
9) “Well, I heard Walmart is hiring—“
10) And the all time classic:
“Hey man—life’s a bitch and then you die”
I hope this small list helps. Hey, I’m just trying to help!!
And you know what they say:
“If you’re not part of the soluuuutionnn—-you’re part of the proooblemmmm”
(Yeah I know it’s a cliche–I know I shouldn’t have used it to end a rant against cliches—but hey—I’m just going to “move forward” and “Put it all behind me”.)
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