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“A VALENTINE SONG FOR ANGELA” (Brian meets Michael Jackson)

Last Valentines Day, I was trying to think of a nice gift to give to my girlfriend Angela, and as I’m a musician, I decided I would write her a song. As soon as I made this decision I turned around, and to my great surprise, there was Michael Jackson! At first I was incredibly shocked, but Michael soon made his reason for being there quite apparent—-he was going to help me write a song for Angela!

Naturally, I was incredibly honored—but unfortunately, it didn’t turn out quite the way I thought it would. In fact, what transpired afterwords was so bizarre, that I felt compelled to document it and share it with you, the reader.

Anyways, here is a transcription of the events of that unforgettable day.

(SCENE 1: Brian meets Michael Jackson)

BRIAN:(Walks into a room, sees someone—or something dancing like Michael Jackson)

“No way—it can’t be!”

MICHAEL JACKSON: ((Yells out) “Wheee Heeee! Jaaa moooooanaa!”(Moon walks)

BRIAN: (Looks astonished) “Oh my God! Michael Jackson? I can’t believe it’s you! What are you doing here?”

MICHAEL JACKSON(M.J.) : (Spins around, tips hat, stands up on tip toes) “Hey Brian! I was just practicing my old dance steps and I heard you were thinking of writing a song for your girlfriend Angela(does the robot) and I’m here to help!”

BRIAN: (Still amazed) “Michael,how? How are you here? I thought you were—”

M.J. :”Bri, don’t be ignorant! I’m the king of pop! I can never die!(starts to sing) “I got—taaa livvvv—aaa. I can not diiiiie—eyaa! WHEEEE! OOOOOH!”

BRIAN: (Steps back and watches Michael dance for a little bit) “Well Michael—-I would love to write a song with you! What an honor! I know that together we will come up with something wonderful for Angela.”

M.J. : (Comes to an abrupt stop from his dancing)”Of course we will Brian. Now first, we are going to need a producer.”(Gets out I-Phone) “Quincy? Yes–its Michael. No,I’m not dead. Don’t be ignorant Quincy. That’s ignorant. I can never die—Wheee Heeee(starts singing “Cause I got the spiritaaaAAH—-of LOVVVVVAAAAH—(Grabs crotch, screams—“OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” )

QUINCY: (Puts hand over phone while Michael is singing/screaming,looks annoyed)

“Mike,I have a lot of work to do—-can we get to the point? ”

M.J. :” Well Quincy—I have a super talented friend named Brian—he wants to write a song for his lady friend Angel?”

BRIAN ;”ANGELA!”

M.J. : (Looks annoyed at Brian) “You don’t have to scream Bri. That’s racist.”

BRIAN: ” Michael, I was just trying to tell you—”

M.J.: (Michael ignores Brian, he goes back to talking to Quincy)”Anyways Quincy—I’m gonna need some studio time to record a song for him—I mean—WITH HIM.”(Looks at Brian and smiles) “Look,the point is,I promised him I would help him and Valentines day is in 2 days!! Don’t make me a liar Quincy. That’s ignorant”

QUINCY: (Sighs,looks down at floor starts to laugh)
“Well Mike,all I could do on such short notice is get out some of our old tracks—would that be enough? Cause brothaa—thats all I got for ya———you dig?”

M.J. :”Sure Quincy—that’d be great!” (Looks over at Brian) “Hey Brian? Quincy is gonna get us some of my old tracks! Isn’t that great? Wheee HEEE! JA mooanaaa!”

BRIAN : (Looks shocked)”Wow—amazing. Which ones can he get?”

M.J.: ” Which ones can we get Quincy? ”

(Quincy pauses, looks at schedule board)

QUINCY: “How about “Bad”?? I was just gettin ready to do a hip hop remix of that–so I know we can get that one.”

M.J.:” (Looks at Brian) “He says he can get Bad Bri.”

BRIAN : “Bad? For a love song? Really? Hmmm—”

M.J.: (looks serious)”Brian,don’t be ignorant—Bad is a beautiful song about hooooope and lovvvvve and dreeeeeeeeeams. Plus its got a good beat(Twirls on tip toe grabs hat ) so maybe we could do a video as well? ”

BRIAN: “Yeah but Michael—I was thinking we could work on a new song—you know—something—– together? And—”

M.J.: (Looks away quickly,goes back to phone)”OK Quincy it’s settled! Brian is cool with Bad! Wheeee heeeeeee!(starts dancing and singing) I’m Baaaad! I’m Baaaad—I love ya I love yaa—”

(Looks at Brian for approval—Brian frowns a bit”)

(SCENE 2—AT THE STUDIO)
QUINCY:” OK MIKE—everything is set—-all have to do is press play to record and stop/rewind if you want to do it over—”
M.J.:” Oh thank you Quincy! Brian look what Quincy is doing for us!!”

QUINCY:(Looks at Michael with upturned eyes) “Listen Mike—gotta go”(turns toward Brian) “Hey maaaan—GOOD LUCK.”

(Shakes Brian’s hand and starts to laugh as he walks away)
M.J.: (Gets on phone) “Hi Tito? Can you call the choreographer? Who is this? TITO! It’s me—your brothaa! Michael Jackson! ”

TITO:” Is this a joke? I thought you were dead Mike! By the way—- How’d you get my number?”

M.J. :”Tito it’s me! Don’t be ignorant! Of course I’m still alive. I can never die. Look—-I need to have you do me a favor Tito—-can you call Paula? ”

TITO:” Paula? Paula Abdul? Are you craaazy man? how do I know this is even you?”

M.J.:” Look Tito—it’s really me.I’ll prove it! (starts to sing ‘Ben”) “Ben—-we both knoooooow what we —”

TITO:” OK Maaan ok!! I got it. Listen I’ll call Paula and tell her to come down right away— where you at Mike?”

M.J.:”I’m at Quincy’s studio—I’m gonna help my friend Bri Bri make a song for his lady friend Angola.”

BRIAN: “ANGELA!!” (Looks more irritated)

M.J.: (Looking concerned) “Now Bri—I’m detecting a lot of hostility right now. ”

BRIAN:”Well I’m sorry Mike,but its the second time you’ve gotten her name wrong.”

M.J.: “Bri,just because I’m black doesn’t mean my memory is bad. Don’t be racist. ”

BRIAN: (Tries to reply—–but before he can, Michael has turned around and is on the phone again )

M.J.:” When can she be here Tito?”

TITO:” I don’t know Mike—I’ll call her,but I ain’t promisin nothin!! Who is this Brian cat anyways? Some new star or somethin? Man—-how I am even talkin to you? This shit is CRAZY man.”

M.J.:” Tito,I’ll explain everything later. Just call Paula—I’m sure God will take care of all the rest (starts to dance,grabs crotch and screams “JeHOVVVVAAAAH. For heeeeee is LORRRRDAAAAAAa” UGH!)

(Looks at Brian) “See Brian—that lyric would fit perfectly over that Bad track. I just know we’re gonna do something great tonight. I can feeeeel ittttaaaa(starts to dance again) “I got the spirrrittttaaaaa!! Whheeeeeee! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!—“(Moonwalks backwords into a table and falls over backwords(Screams—- “AHHHHHHHH!~”)

BRIAN: “Jesus H! Are you ok?”
M.J.:” (Gets up,looks damaged) “Don’t—–taake —the lords naaaame—-(Gasps holds leg) in vaaaain Briii—-that’s Iggggggnorant.”

BRIAN:(Angrily) “Stop calling me ignorant!! That is really getting old Mike. ”

M.J.:” Bri(Is still breathing heavy making pained noises)—when you stop acting ignorant,I’ll stop calling you ignorant. (Rubs knee,grimaces)

BRIAN: (Looking frustrated, but trying to stay calm) ” OK Mike——look—-lets just get this done.I promised Angela that—”

M.J. : “I know Briii, I know. We’ll get this done.Don’t worry. You’re workin with the best now Bri.”

(Door Bell rings)

M.J.: “Briii? Can you get that?”(starts to walk around slowly with a limp)
BRIAN:(Opens door) “OMG! Its Paula Abdul!!”

PAULA ABDUL: (Smiles,looks smug) “Hiiii? Where’s Michael? I was told to come here and help him with a video for his friend Bernie?”

BRIAN : ” BRIAN. Thats me—I’m Brian.” (shakes hand–Paula looks Brian up and down)
PAULA: “So yourrrrre Brian? Hmmmmm. Nice to meet you. Mind if I bring my dog in? ”

BRIAN: “Your dog?”

PAULA: “Yes–MY DOG. Don’t tell me you don’t like dogs? (Looks over shoulder whistles—Alllmond? Here Almond!!!”

( Looks knowingly at Brian) “His full name is Almond Joy.”

(Starts baby talking to dog) “Here Almond joy yoy yoy—Thats a good snooky snooky. Are you mamas little snooky pooky?”

BRIAN:” You have got to be kidding!”

M.J.: “Paula!!!!! Paula! It’s meeeeeee! Michael Jacccckkkkksonnnn! Wheee heeeee—– (Forgets his leg is hurt and screams OWWWWWWWWWW!” and grabs leg)

PAULA: “OMG Michael,what happened? You look terrible! Did you hurt yourself?”
M.J.: “I just took a little fall Paula. I’ll be fine. Listen, I need you to help me do a song and a video for my friend Brian here—its for his girlfriend Andrea for Valentines Day.”

PAULA: “Andrea?”

BRIAN: (Really looking annoyed now) “Mike—-HER NAME IS ANGELAAAAAAAAAA!”

PAULA:” OK–ANGELAAAAA. (makes finger quotes in air with mocking voice) Sooooooo—-I’m just a little confused about the nature of your relationship. Is she your girlfriend? Or what?”

M.J.: “Paula,that’s not your business. Don’t be ignorant—just help me off the floor so we can make a nice song for—looks nervous—-Anne—-gelaaaa?”

BRIAN: “Yes PLEASE! I want to get this done before Valentines.”

PAULA: “Hmmmm—-so let me see. It’s Feb 12,and you want Michael Jackson and Paula Abdul to HURRY UP—and help you? Just who are you anyways—– mister hurry up man?”

BRIAN:” Look I’m sorry—I guess I shouldn’t have lost my cool—-I—-”

M.J.:(Interrupting Brian) ” Paula,Brian is the most famous guy you’ve never heard of!! He’s a famous reincarnated composer who writes beautiful music and he has a beautiful girlfriend and we’re going to help him. That’s all you need to know. Don’t be ignorant Paula. ”

PAULA:” Whatever.” (Looks at M.J.,then looks at Brian,mutters to herself) “UGHH–Pathetic”(does a fake smile) “Sooooo—what do you need me for Mike?”

M.J.:” I thought we’d do a video with the song—you know—every great song needs a video Paula. That’s why I called you.”

PAULA: “A video? HERE? TONIGHT?? Waaaaait a minute———NO ONE told me anything about doing a video. UGH. (Eyes go up)This is really uberly annoying. Almond? ALLMOND? Come on hun,we’re going.”

M.J. :”Wait Paula! I need your help”

PAULA:” Ummm Michael? Newsflash: You’re dead. You need more than my help. You need a priest.” (Whistles for dog) “As for you?”(Looks at Brian) “UGH. I don’t know who you are and I don’t care. Come on Almond—time to go nitey nite.”

M.J.:” But Paulaaaaa—Waaaaait! Waaaaaait! Dont be—”

BRIAN:” (looks around quickly) “DONT SAY IT.”
M.J.: (Sighs) Well Briii—I guess we’re going to have to do this ourselves.”

BRIAN: “Michael,no offense ,but you’re making too big a deal about this! I just wanted to write a nice valentines song for Angela!! I never thought we’d be doing a video or using the background tracks to one of your songs. Really! Lets just sit down write a few verses and a chorus and be done with it!”

M.J.: “See Bri—thats why you’re not famous. You don’t sell yourself enough. A song needs dancing and a video and promotion and MTV and–”

BRIAN:” Michael—its 2015.MTV isn’t important anymore. Besides,you’re right.I’m not a big star. This song is only for Angela. I’m not trying to make a hit. So you don’t have to dance, or call Paula Abdul. Just help me write a nice song——OK?

(Brian reaches out hand to Michael Jackson—who is slumped on the floor looking very sad)

M.J. : “OK Brii—OK—You win. ”

BRIAN: “Good—-now lets get this done,OK? ”

M.J.:”OK Briii—OK. (Meekly sings ) “Weee hee.Ja moan.”

(Brian Looks at Michael,starts laughing, sits down at piano)

BRIAN: “OK—— Ready Michael?”

M.J.: (Looks miserable) ” Ready Briii——”
BRIAN (Starts to play the piano. Then,all of a sudden,he heres the tell tale intro to BAD. He looks up and sees Michael is behind the mixer board.)

BRIAN:(Mutters to self) “How the hell did he get over there?”

Michael then suddenly leaps over the mixer board (His injury is miraculously healed) and starts singing the following to “Bad”
.

“OH Angelaaaaaaaaa————you are so kiiiind—-aaaa”

So sooo verrrry cooollll(spins around,grabs hat,moves camera to focus on him)

Aaaaaaaa——yaaa blow my mind—aaaaaaaah

I’m sittin here—–with your man Briiiiiii

I’m tellllinnnnn youuuuuu—He has a tear—in his EYE yaaah! (Goes to chorus)
He’s sad!! He’s sad! YA know it! Ya know oh Bri is SAD! He’s sad!!!

Ya KNOWAAA! Ya Know,

Oh man he’s sad! He’s Sad,It’s true–Its true—

And he spent the whole day just a trying to think of a song to sing for you—

(Music stops) WHO’S SAD?

(Music restarts)

BRIAN: (Looks at Michael dancing to the music and shouts over it, trying to be heard)
“Ummm—Michael? When do I get to sing?”

M.J. :(Yells back) “Shush BRI!! We’re recording!!!!”(Runs over to Brian) “Come on Bri! Lets dance! The cameras are on us BRI! Lets dance And plaaaaay! Wheeeeeee!”
BRIAN:(Looking puzzled) ” Dude I don’t know how to—”

M.J.: “Just follow my lead Bri——(starts to do all kinds of crazy dance steps–Brian stands back—obviously unable to follow. Finally , the chorus comes back as Michael starts to sing again )

M.J.:” Because I’m BAAAD! I’m BAAAD! Ya knowaaa! Ya know!!Because I’m –(Camera pans to Brian! Michael is now singing the exact original lyrics to BAD)
M.J. :”WHO’s BAD?”

(Music stops)
BRIAN: “Michael—you forgot the words!”

M.J.: “No Bri—I remembered them perfectly. Don’t be ignorant! And see? We got it done in time–its perfect–LOOK.”

(Turns camera to Brian—shows video of Michael dancing and singing—Brian is nowhere to be seen except for the “dance section” where he walks out of the scene and stands still, and then walks back into the shadows)

BRIAN:(looking angry) “Dude,I didn’t do anything!! I thought this was gonna be BOTH of us working together?”

M.J. : “It WAS Bri—It was! Look at you there—-just as cute as a bug in the rug. WHEEE HEEEE! ”

BRIAN: “No no NO! I thought we were gonna write a song together for Angela—but you did everything! You didn’t let me do anything!!”
M.J.: “Well Bri—-when you work on a project together, every little bit helps. and Bri?You helped me!”

BRIAN:(With disbelief) “How? How did I help you? I didn’t come up with the lyrics! I didn’t play anything!! I didn’t even dance!! We didn’t work together at all!”
M.J.: (Looks at Brian with condescension) “Listen Bri: When you work in the big leagues,you have to learn when to give and take—don’t be ignorant!”

(Brian finally loses it,screams,runs over and starts to strangle Michael)

BRIAN: “ARRRRRGH!!!!! STOP SAYING IGNORANT!!”

M.J. (Tries to talk while being choked) “Briiii—-please stop—–this is racist. I’m black.Why are youuuu—oppressing meeeee?”

BRIAN:” URRRGH!” (Throws Michael down and walks away)

M.J.: “Do you still want the video for Arielle–I mean Andrea? I mean——–ANNNNNGELA?”

BRIAN (Looks at M.J. menacingly) “Yeah—I’ll take it—-but only because I want to send her something.”
(Cartman suddenly appears behind Brian and taps him on the waist)

CARTMAN: “Dude seriouslaah. Forget the video! Just buy her an X-box and slip her the tongue brah—thats how I got Wendy and Bebe to like me. Seriouslaaah. The video is totally gay ”

BRIAN:(Throws up hands) ” OK,that’s it! I’m out of here. This is getting too weird!”
CARTMAN:” BRIANNN! BRIANN! LISTEN TO ME! ACHTUNG!!! AHHHH! YA STUPID JEW!!!!”

BRIAN:(Turns around and looks angrily at both Cartman and Michael Jackson)

” SCREW YOU GUYS! I”M GOING HOME!!!”
CARTMAN:” HEY! HEYYY! THAT’S MY CATCH PHRASE! GET BACK HERE! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAAAAH!”

M.J.:” Don’t shout Eric–that’s ignor–”

CARTMAN:” Oh shut up dude.You’re dead!”

M.J. “And you’re a cartoon!”

And that’s exactly how it happened——

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