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“THE BANDS AND ARTISTS THAT HISTORY FORGOT” (Pt 9)

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: To properly enjoy this little excursion into absurdity, one must have some knowledge and even appreciation for the Bands that are “parodied” in these little imaginary biographies. None of the bands or people mentioned here are real, and any similarity to any real persons is merely a coincidence that the author was unaware of.

The purpose behind me writing these was strictly to amuse the people who love the REAL bands and artists that are parodied. That is all.

81) “THE SKINNY BOYS”

One of the most well known Aerosmith Tribute bands,”The Skinny boys” have a unique take on their performance presentation. They all weigh less than 100 pounds!

Lead singer Jack String explained it to me as follows:

“Look, we see a lot of people playing Aerosmith tributes that are just —well—they’re huge!” (He coughed a little and then continued) “You see, if you look at all the photos of Aerosmith, dude—-they’re thin. So we decided that we would make this one of the key points in our presentation. You know—staying thin? ”

When I told him that his band didn’t just look thin,but that they looked anorexic, he got very angry with me.

“Look, just because you’re too fat to be in our band doesn’t mean you should put down what we do. We’re called THE SKINNY BOYS. SKINNNNYYYYY. We take that seriously.”

Apparently tho, many promoters have had numerous problems with “The Skinny boys” due to the fact that the band rarely finishes a set, and oft times different members collapse from exhaustion and dehydration.

(Jack has had to be hospitalized many times, but he always insists that his low body weight has nothing to do with it and that even if it did “It is a sacrifice he is willing to make for his fans” )

82) “THE FATHERS OF DETONATION”

A somewhat ironic tribute to Frank Zappa and “The Mothers of Invention”, “The Fathers of Detonation” don’t actually play any Zappa tunes at their shows. In fact, they don’t play any music at all. What do they do? They blow stuff up.

The leader of this mayhem only goes by the name of “Dyno”, and he had a very interesting take on what he and his “band members ” do:

“None of us are musicians” he said, “But we all wanted to be onstage and since I am a detonation’s expert, I figured hey—-why not blow stuff up and charge people to see it? ”

When I asked “Dyno” why he claimed that they were a tribute to “The Mothers of Invention”, he laughed and said:

“I actually hate Frank Zappa. I would never play that garbage! What WE do is play Zappa’s music while we blow stuff up. It’s a perfect soundtrack for that.” He then laughed and looked at me and said:

“You didn’t think we were musicians, did you? ”

83) “THE NOISY KIDS”

“The Noisy kids” got their start back in the 80’s as a group of kids who had to attend special ed classes in a Santa Rosa high school due to their ADD and other learning disabilities and behavioral problems.

“We were the kids no one wanted to teach.” Said Joey Silver, the “Kids” current lead singer. “One of our teachers really liked hair band music, and she used to play Motley Crue every morning before class and it used to make us all calm right down. It was the damndest thing! Our teacher was quick to notice this, and so whenever we would start to act up, or she would start to lose control of the class, she would crank up some Crue, and we would all go into a zombified state.

According to Joey, once they graduated High School, he and some of his friends decided to form a tribute to Motley Crue tribute to, in Silver’s words, “Help other developmentally disabled kids by exposing them to Motley Crue’s music. To help them find their center thru it and to help them feel the peace that we felt.”

Apparently, this anomaly of Motley Crue helping troubled teens went beyond just Joey and his friends, and to this day “The Noisy Kids” are booked solid traveling around to high schools across the country, performing for kids with learning disabilities and behavior problems.

“They’re a godsend” said Superintendent Mel Vicars of the Denver School district. “Motley Crue’s music really seems to connect with these kids, and it works wonders on them. They really seem to relate to it, and it has really raised their test scores dramatically. ”

84) “HEALTHY CHOICES”

Back in 1990,a group of female college students decided to form a band that combined their love for 80’s hair band Poison——–and veganism.

“We always loved 80’s hair band music, and many of us were big time groupies of these bands. But we were all passionately opposed to people eating meat, or wearing fur or leather shoes. So we decided that we would form a tribute to one of our favorite hair bands from the 80’s(“Poison”) and alter their lyrics to reflect our passion for veganism and to protest cruelty to animals.”

Some examples of the bands alterations of Poisons lyrics include:

1) “Talk Vegan to me” ———————(“Talk Dirty to Me”)

2) “Every Cow needs a home” ————(“Every Rose Has it’s Thorn”) and

3) “Non Dairy rocks” ————————(“Unskinny bop”)

While the band has had some success in getting bookings ,they have rough going in many states in the midwest, and have been banned from ever performing in Texas.

85) “FINK NOID”

“Fink Noid” is truly one of the strangest entertainers I have ever met, and his back story is equally bizarre.

“As you can imagine” He told me, “It was really tough growing up with a name like Fink. My mom had to home school me because the kids used to bully me relentlessly. They’d call me “Fink the Dink” and countless other variations which I wont repeat.”

Fink developed a real love for the music of Pink Floyd—especially the album “The Wall.”

“Wow, did I relate to that band.” He said. “They really spoke to me.”

Soon after Fink’s discovery of Pink Floyd,he got his first job —–at a Domino’s pizza place. It was a defining moment in his life.

“I tried to keep my name a secret, but somehow people always found out.” He told me with a sad face. “Then one day, one of my co workers started teasing me. Everytime a customer would come in, he’d look at them and say : Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! Well,that was it for me. I quit my job there and decided I would form my own band. ”

Shortly after Fionk quit Domino’s, he started seeing Dominos Pizza commercials that promised they would help people to “Avoid the Noid.”

“Something in me snapped” He told me. “People had been making funny of my name all my life—-and now, here was the company I had worked for, taking my name and making it part of their advertising campaign!”

Shortly after seeing his likeness being used for Dominos, “Fink” filed a lawsuit, and he won! Domino’s was forced to pay fink a 5 million dollar settlement and ordered to immediately cease using the “Noid” in their advertising.

“After being bullied and teased my whole life, I felt like it was a real victory for me. Now I don’t care if people make fun of me because I’m rich.”

Tho Fink’s musical career never really took off, he did recently marry a Victoria Secret model and is living quite happily in The Bermuda Triangle.

86) “IZZY WISHBONE”

This is the story of town drunk Izzy Wishbone—-a man who was always a nuisance to everyone in Lancaster England. How did I find out about him? Well, it just so happened i was doing some research on Ozzy Osbourne when I encountered an old cockney who started to talk with me.

When I asked him if he knew anything about Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath, he asked me “If I’d ever errrd of Izzy Wishbone?”

Naturally, I hadn’t, and the cockney insisted on me hearing his tale.Here below is the tale he told me:

(In best “cockney accent”) “Ole Izzy was quite a site! He used to stagger around, holdin his hands in front of im—like a zombie ee was! He use to walk up to people and he ‘d start a singin somethin fierce,scarin all the children and such. He’d scream “Let me see your hands” Over—and over—and over!

One day, Ozzy Osbourne came to play Lancaster, and we all went to see em.THAT’S when I realized that Izzy was Ozzy’s TWIN BROTHA. I said to me wife—Hey look!That’s our Izzy!

After that, we all treated Izzy differently, bein that he was related to Ozzy and such.”

To this day, no one is sure why Ozzy became famous and “Izzy” never did despite all their similarities———such is the nature of fate and chance.

87) “JERRY WHINER”

Jerry Whiner has to be one of the bitterest most angry entertainers around. Starting as a Bob Dylan wanna be in the early 70’s ,Whiner claims that Tom Petty completely stole his act.

“I mean—LISTEN to him!” He screamed when I attempted to interview him “He sounds just like Dylan! Thats MY schtick. I am the one who sang like Dylan first! Tom Petty is the biggest rip off ever. He stole my life from me. I hate that bastard!”

After hearing this rant, I was intrigued and wanted to hear more. So I went to one of Whiner’s shows, and to my great dismay,all he did was to mercilessly parody Tom Petty, doing savage mash ups of his songs. This didn’t go over well with the audience, many of whom were big Petty fans. In fact, many people left the show early saying things like “Well, this guy has the right name.’ and ” He really IS a whiner. I’m outta here.”

I haven’t heard much from Jerry since that fateful day that I saw him bomb—-but I’m sure he’s blaming Tom Petty for his lack of success.

88) “THE GENTLE CARING HE-MEN ”

These guys are great Heavy metal band, but you’d never know it if you looked at the name of their band, which in this interviewers opinion is really a pathetic name.

When I asked Lead guitarist Bill Machoe to explain why they chose such a lame name, he had a very interesting explanation:

“Well Brian, all of us love heavy metal. It’s real manly music. But we noticed that a lot of the metal bands whose music we loved had names that promoted violence and death:”Megadeath”,”Disturbed”, “Black Sabbath” and on and on. Being all practicing Buddhists, we decided that while we loved Heavy metal, we didn’t want to promote that kind of violence. So we decided the more obviously our band’s name reflected the opposite of that sentiment, the better.”

While I understand Bill’s reasoning, the sad truth is that many promoters agree with me, and despite their prowess as musicians, as of this writing, the band has still not played a single gig.

89) “COPING WITH ALICE”

The band “Coping with Alice” is the former back up band of singer /Glam star Alice Cooper who all broke away from the band at the same time and are unanimous in their conclusion in why they did so——–According to all of the members of the band,Alice Cooper is a real pain in the ass.

“Oh he was just the worst!” Claimed Drummer John Pasty “He would throw things at us if any of us made even the slightest mistake.”

This opinion was echoed by the rest of the band members. “He once told me that he’d use me as a real life prop in one of his stage shows if I ever looked him in the eyes during rehearsal.” said bassist Tom Rumble. “When I told him it was impossible not to make eye contact with him because he was the lead singer, he hit me on the head and said ‘Only women bleed’ and walked away! Talk about welcome to my nightmare!”

To be honest, I was shocked to hear this! Alice Cooper always seemed like such a gentleman to me off stage, and to hear these guys talk sent a chill down my spine!!

When I asked them why they tolerated this as long as they did, the guitar player explained to me like this:

“Brian,we were all a little scared of him. That guy you see off stage? That’s not the real Alice.The guy ONSTAGE? Now THAT’S him!”

As for the music, they do a nice job on good solid rock n roll which while good is a bit old fashioned and predictable. But the guys in the band seem happy,and don’t seem to miss playing on the big stage “Coping With Alice”.

90) “THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA”

“The Old Man and the Sea” is the creation of an old fisherman nicknamed “Grimy Waters”—— a man who’s love for the sound of the sea and the smell of dead fish is only exceeded by his love for Pearl Jam, and especially, the groups front man Eddie Vedder.

Grimy told me, “When I heard that young fella sing I thought Arrrrr—-therrrrre’s a man who knows what it’s like to live near Davy Jones’ Locker!”

According to Grimy, he bought a CD player and started listening to Pearl Jam when he went on his fishing trips. He then learned all the songs by heart—phonetically.

“I could never understand the words,” he told me “But it was Eddies spirit that drew me to his music. He truly has the soul of an old fisherman in his voice, that he does—-and it kept me company on those lonnnnng sea voyages . It was just me, the fish, me boat—-and Eddies voice. I couldn’t want no better than that sir.” (He then started to sing)

“Feeeeeeeeeeee——-leeeeennnnnn——– ummma dabba deeebaaa oh blimey fishhhhhhaaaaaaaa——–Ummmm yeah!!!!!”

As he sang, I was amazed at the uncanny resemblance this old salt had to Eddie. I asked him if he had ever performed anywhere.

“Only to the fish in the sea and me friends on shore!” He said with a laugh as he came closer and whispered in my ear, “You know, I have been known to tie one on and sing in some of the bars in the little towns I stop in along my way up the coast!”

As far as I know, “Grimy” is still out there somewhere,looking at the sun go down, sitting alone on his boat and singing all his favorite Pearl Jam songs—-phonetically.

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