Awhile back, I wrote a short list of things to “never do or say to a woman”—–so now,in the spirit of fair play,and with a light spirit, I offer a similar partial list of things that no man(At least, not most of us) ever wants to hear or ‘have done to us” by a member of the opposite sex.
1) TELL US TO “ASK SOMEONE FOR DIRECTIONS”:
Women have no idea how damaging this is to man’s ego! Most men are “problem solvers”, and we take pride in our ability to figure out things on our own. It’s why we hate reading manuals, and it’s why we will only ask for directions when we have exhausted EVERY OTHER POSSIBLE OPTION. So please don’t tell us to “ask someone for directions!
Don’t worry, we will get you there—–eventually.
2) DONT ASK US TO PEE SITTING DOWN!
This is a non starter. I know, I know: men “sprinkle when they tinkle”—but it doesn’t matter: We’re not going to sit down when we pee. Don’t worry, we’ll clean the mess(eventually) but being able to stand up whilst peeing is one of the great things about being a guy, and we’re not about to give it up, so stop asking us.
3) NO SHOPPING!
In ancient times, women were “gatherers” and the men were “hunters”, and despite the many other changes in our culture that have happened since those ancient times, this concept has not changed that much. What it comes down to is that “Shopping”= “Gathering”, and Men (art least most men) don’t like to shop.
Not only do we not like it, we hate it!
You see,a man’s idea of shopping is figuring out what we need, researching how to get it, going to the exact spot we need to get it and then getting in and out of the building/place we have to go as quickly as possible so we can go back to laying on the couch.
Walking around and shopping with no goal/no fixed plan is death to us. So don’t ask us to go with you. Please?
4) “SCHEDULING LOTS OF ACTIVITIES ON VACATION”
Ok, I know some men do this as well, but it has been my observation (And I’m the one writing this) that it is usually women who seem to thrive on “Structuring vacation time”.
It usually goes something like this:
“OK, I was thinking that we could take the boat tour at 10, then when we come back, we can eat lunch at that fancy place I saw when we drove by the hotel(I hear they have great food there) Then, we can see the museum with the paintings. Then at three I want to call the O’Briens and see the mariachi band and———-”
This is why so many people come back from “Vacations” and are more tired AFTER their vacation than they were BEFORE they left!
You know what a perfect vacation for most men is? DOING NOTHING.
Here’s the deal: A man’s natural state is to be inactive. We only “become active” when we need food, or sex, or if we have a definite project to finish or a job to go to. Again, I know a lot of men will say:
“That’s not true Brian! I am the one who plans out our vacations, and I don’t like laying around!”
Sigh. You pussy whipped bastard! You just THINK you’re planning it out. In reality, your girlfriend/wife just has you trained so well that she has made you THINK you “want to keep busy.” But for most of us tri pods, the ultimate vacation is doing as a little as possible and having no schedule.
Oh sure, we will eventually go out and mingle/walk around/see the sights—-but on OUR TIME.
In sum,being on “A schedule” is NOT “a vacation.”
(BTW: There ARE women out there who have this attitude as well,and guys, if you meet a woman like this, consider yourself lucky. )
5) DON’T ASK ME TO CARRY YOUR PURSE!
This one really blows me away. I actually see grown men carrying their wives/girlfriends purses! WAAAAT? Are you kidding me? When did this happen? You poor poor whipped dogs!
6) DON’T ASK ME TO BUY YOUR TAMPONS!
Like #5, this one just blows me away. One of the lowest activities of the domesticated male. If your wife/girlfriend asks you to “get her some tampons at the store”,and you get them? Wow—-you need to turn in your male membership card. We have rules, and not buying tampons is one of them. (The same goes for #5)
7) NO TALKING ABOUT EX’S!
OK, guys do this too—-And I guess it’s impossible to expect men or women to not talk about their ex’s—-but how about we make this rule:
Unless you’re comparing your present companion in a favorable light with your ex, don’t talk about them.
Here are some examples of “good ex talk.”
A) “My ex really had bad B.O.—not like you! You smell wonderfullllll.”
B)”Wow, you are so much better in bed than my last boyfriend. You turn me on so much.”
NOW—-Here are some examples of BAD “ex talk:”
A) “You know, Gary was so buffed. He had such a great body”
B) “My last boyfriend was soooo big. It really hurt. I’m so glad we don’t have that problem hun!”
Hahah. Better yet, just tell us you’re a virgin, OK? Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks..
8) GETTING INTIMATE WITH US WHEN WE’RE WATCHING A MOVIE OR A GAME
I’m not sure what the deal with this is, but women’s hormones seem to go thru the roof whenever guys want to watch a movie or watch a game.Now, I’m not saying this is always a bad thing.After all,if the movie isn’t that good, it’s definitely a win win. But,it’s just odd how it happens! One things for sure:
If you want some “romantic attention” from your wife/girlfriend, ask her to “watch a movie with you.” Unless you’re seated in different chairs ,I guarantee you nine times out of ten, you won’t make it thru 15 minutes of the movie without some sexy time taking place.
9) NO BABY TALK!!
This is a very insidious problem. It almost never starts right away(If it does RUN!) but it tends to creep into a relationship once people “get comfortable with each other”, and its just—–well—it’s TERRIBLE—-and it’s almost always instigated by women.
See, at first, it starts when it’s just you and her, and its kind of cute. But sooner or later, it starts happening in front of others, and when it gets to that point, you have a serious problem. That’s when you realize the real reason behind all that cute baby talk—to emasculate you and embarrass you in front of your friends—to show them that she is your boss and to show them what a little wuss you really are and have become.
So no matter how cute and sexy it is at first, you have to have a “zero tolerance” policy on baby talk.
Trust me——–it never ends well.
10) NO NAGGING OR PUTTING US DOWN IN FRONT OF OTHER MEN!
I can’t believe how many women I see doing this, and how many miserable men there are out there who put up with it. Look, I understand how lame men can be sometimes, but putting a guy down in front of his buddies or his family is just the lowest thing a woman can do.
Now,before you say “Well——-MEN DO IT TOO”, let me say that while that may be partially true, I think it’s fair to say that there are FAR more women who do it then men because it is way less socially acceptable for men to do this than it is for women in todays P.C. World.
To my dear female friends and readers, it’s simple. If you’re upset with the guy your with about something, pull him aside in a quiet calm way and tell him privately what you’re issue is. If he’s rude back, THEN yell.
But yelling and nagging your guy in front of others puts your guy down, makes you look like a shrew, makes everyone uncomfortable, and it will eventually drive him away if he has any spine or pride.
So resist the urge to nag and harangue in public.
(May I suggest that if you feel compelled to yell at someone in public that you probably shouldn’t be with the person to begin with? )
Thus ends this “partial list.” Just as with the list for men, I’m sure I will think up more of these at some later date, but for now, this is a good start.