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“AWWW HECK! THERE AIN’T NO SUCH PLACE AS HELL”

I think in this modern day and age we have all figured out that the idea of a place like “Hell” is a bit extreme. We all know that an eternity of suffering,pain and burning doesn’t seem like a very fair punishment, especially if there IS a God and he is a “Loving God”.

But what about “Heck?”

Oft times I hear people who are of a more religious bent say “awww—what the heck?” out of fear of saying the word “Hell”.

(These are the same type of people who say things like “Geez Louise” instead of “Jesus Christ”, or “Fudge” instead of—-well—-you get the point.)

But if there was a place like “Heck”, what would it be like?

Obviously, it’s not as bad as Hell, we alllll know that. But I have a feeling that “Heck ain’t no place to be.”

In fact, I have a pretty good ideas what you would encounter in “Heck”:

In “Heck”, there isn’t any hot water. This would be one of the more annoying aspects of “Heck”—but hey—it’s not as bad as Hell——- right?

In “Heck” it would always be muggy, and since there are no air conditioners in “Heck”, this would be uberly annoying. Of course, its better than eternal burning and torment—-right?

Lets continue.

In “Heck”,there are no cell phones———-now for me, this is one of the better aspects about “Heck”, but for many people, this would be a horrible punishment.

(In fact, many would chose Hell over “Heck” due to this one factor.)

In “Heck” , there are no colors other than Black and white.

This would be a boon to all those who love old movies, as living “in Heck” would be like starring in your very own “old movie”—but for fashion designers, flowers, and anything else that relies on colors, this would be a fate almost worse than Hell.

(Hey, at least in Hell there are a few colors! OK, they’re mostly purple and red, but hey—-thats something right? )

By the way——-ALLLLL of the least funny people in the world end up in “Heck.” The reason for this is that “Heck” is very, VERY “Politically correct.”

In fact, most of the people in “Heck” are very sensitive people who take offense to nearly everything, and as a result they all end up in Heck.

The reason? God has a sense of humor folks, and if you’re not funny, he doesn’t want you around.

(This is why “Heck” was designed! )

Some other more unpleasant things about this place called “Heck”:

1) There’s no sexual activity. Everyone sleeps in twin beds because no one has any genitalia.

(For many, this is one of the better aspects of Heck,especially those who were unhappily married on Earth)

2) There’s no loud music in Heck. In fact, the only music allowed is happy quiet music in a major key. (LOTS of flute concertos and “Urban Contemporary Light Jazz” in “Heck”.) But if you’re a fan of low notes,minor keys and lots of drums, Heck is a nightmare for you.

3) Cats and dogs get along really well in “Heck”—
(While this may not be a big deal, it is possibly the origin of the saying “What the Heck?”)

4) The only birds in “Heck” are Roosters and Crows. The roosters crow alllllllll morning, and the Crows just hover around and scare people.

5) There is only 3 channels plus PBS in “Heck.” For many older people, this is comforting.For those born recently, this is hellish.

6) Everyone drives verrrrrrry slooooooooowlllllllllllly in “Heck” , and speed limits are rigidly enforced. For people who live in Spokane, this is very normal, and not unexpected. For people who lived in Chicago or Miami, or New York, or any other normal big city, this is a nightmare.

7) There is no parking in “Heck”, and LOTS of meter maids. Even if you obey the rules, you still get a parking ticket almost everytime you try to go anywhere.

(In this respect, “Heck” is very similar to the Bay Area and Manhattan.)

8) There is no such thing as “Hot” or “Cold” in Heck. Everything is mild. (As I said earlier, there are no hot showers)

Many people like this aspect of Heck in regards to the weather (Tho sunbathers often complain about how difficult it is to get a tan there) but the food in Heck is rather bland, and choices are limited.

No ice cream, and no hot meals.AND NO HOT COFFEE.
(This causes many suicides in “Heck”, but the sad thing is, they all end up back in Heck again.)

9) No one is ugly in Heck—but no one is very good looking either. Lots of 5’s and 6’s.

(For men, this is one of the worse aspects of “Heck.”)

10) No one suffers from any serious diseases in Heck or serious pains——but they don’t really feel that good either!! Its kind of a middle ground that many complain about, but as they can’t fix it, most of them just accept it. Bloating is common, as is constipation. Lots of stubbed toes.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Just remember that the next time you say “What the Heck” instead of “What the Hell” that “Heck ain’t no place to be”.

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