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ESSAY: “DON’T TELL HER TO SMILE!”(And a few other things men should never do or say to a woman)

(To be read with tongue firmly planted in cheek)

OK,It has recently come to my attention lately that some men are just total idiots when it comes to women! (GASP! I know—it’s shocking, but hear me out.)

For example, I have recently become aware that apparently women really hate when men tell them to “Smile”  when they’re frowning!!

(I know—it’s incredible that this advice is not received well, and that it can be annoying—-but again, just hear me out on this , my fellow tri-pods.)


Anyways, the thought hit me that since women are so touchy about things like this that perhaps men could use some more advice on this topic of “What to not say or do when it comes to women”——— so  besides “Telling her to smile” when she’s obviously annoyed,here are a few other good tips for all you guys out there of things to NOT say or do that were “learned in the real world” by yours truly at “the school of hard knocks” thru a lifetime of experience in the romantic battlefield  with “the fairer sex”:

1) WHEN YOU ASK HER OUT ON A DATE, HAVE A PLAN!!

If she agrees to go out with you and asks you where you want to go and you say something like” I don’t know—-what do you want to do? “—STRIKE 1.

 

 

2) “MASTER THE ART OF THE BACK HANDED COMPLIMENT”

Ok, I can imagine a lot of women will groan when they read this, but hear me out:
Women hate guys who fawn all over them(After all,if she’s as pretty as you keep telling her she is, why is she going out with you, ya big schmuck??Plus, having someone drool over you, whether you’re a man or a woman is annoying and a bit creepy.)

A lot of men do eventually figure this out, but unfortunately, they go too far to the other side of the spectrum and take “The jerk route.”

The problem with that is, while a woman wants a challenge,most of them tend to not like total a-holes very much!

( In fact, you may just get your ass kicked or worse! )
No my fellow tri-pods, the best place to be is somewhere in the middle—be nice, but with a slight ambiguity.  A perfect example of a back handed compliment?
“I like you just the way you are”
“Ahhh yes—–others may see those imperfections? But not me. I think you’re jussssst riiiiight. 😉   See how that works? (Shudders with delight)
(Thank you Billy Joel–Thank you!)
Last but not least,not only do you not tell a woman to smile when she’s upset, you certainly don’t try to “fix her.”.

Here’s the problem: Most men are problem solvers by nature. We want to figure out what the problem is, and then proceed with a logical course of action to it.

 

Unfortunately, we think that this mindset will work with our wives and girlfriends when they are upset/not feeling well. Siiiigh.

Let me tell you my fellow tri pods that I know from many failed attempts at this approach that THIS.  DOES .NOT. WORK.

 

No, the best thing you can do when your girlfriend is upset/depressed is to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HER. LOL
I know–I know—it sounds cruel, and all the therapist/mangina types will tell you to “Just listen to her, don’t try and solve her issues.”——-but that isn’t really fair to us, is it?
No, it isn’t!
Seriously, for a man to hear about a problem/be presented with a problem and not be allowed to offer a solution is just—-well—IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

We can’t do it!

And guys,trust me:  No matter how hard you try to “Just listen”, you WILL start offering “solutions”, and that is a recipe for disaster, because invariably, you will say the wrong thing and just make things worse.

(Those of you who have tried the “Just listen” approach KNOW I’m right. In fact, I can see you in my minds eye shaking your heads in agreement as you read this!)

No the best solution for a man in this situation?

GET AWAY FROM HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN. The reason?

ANYTHING you say will only make the problem worse.

Ahhhh—–But, there’s a problem: HOW do you get away from her without looking like a callous jerk?
Well, here are a few excuses/tricks you can use to get out of this “no-win situation”:

1) Pretend you just got a call on your cell phone from your friend. He has “a Flat tire” and you are going to help him fix it. It’s an emergency! Tell her you will be back soon and that “you hope she feels better.”

This way, you’re not a jerk!  “You just have to go. RIGHT NOW. ”

2) “YOU NEED TO MOVE YOUR CAR/YOU’RE PARKED IN A BAD SPOT” etc

If you live in a big city,parking can get you out of the house for at least a 1/2 an hour.

All you have to say is “Oh hun, I just realized—– I parked in a no parking zone!DAMN! Be right back!”
Then, you take your sweeeeeet time coming back.

(Maybe go get something to eat? Maybe get some errands done? Use the time wisely)

Here’s the great thing about this ruse:

By the time you DO come back, she will probably have calmed down. In fact,she will probably have forgotten all about what she was upset about because she will be more curious about what happened to you!!

This is why the parking story is such a good one if you live in a big city. You can say things like:
“UGH. I couldn’t find ANYWHERE to park. I think I circled around the block 50 times!” or
“God thing I remembered to move my car—that would’ve been a huge ticket.”
NOW you’re “a responsible guy.”  ( See how that works? 😉
Regardless of how you spin it, the point is,now YOUR problem is the issue, and not hers and you dodged having to sit there and “listen to all her problem” whilst going thru the agonizing feeling of having to resist the urge to offer solutions and start a huge fight.

3) PRETEND YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM”

In fact, not only do you have to go to the bathroom, once you’re in there,make sure to make lots of choking noises,flush several times, run the water.etc

The end result? She’ll think you don’t feel good, and unless she is totally evil and psychotic, now YOU will get the attention.
Some good lines for when you exit the bathroom:
“UGh—I think I ate some bad shrimp” or
“I think that cheese was rotten.”

If you lay it on thick enough, invariably she will tell you to “go lie down.”

(If you’re REALLY lucky, she might even make you some warm tea and give you a hug!)

The point is,whatever you do—don’t “listen” and don’t “solve”—-kapeesh? ;()

I hope those of you that took time to read this will learn form what I have said. These simple tips will save you a lot of anguish, and will extend the life and quality of your relationship.

(Hey, don’t thank me—it’s what I do!)

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