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“HARPO & CHICO SCORE SOME WEED”(A skit by Brian McCarthy)

          You know, I’ve always been a big fan of the Marx Brothers.I especially liked the scenes were Harpo and Chico would try to do something together, and Harpo would invariably misunderstand everything Chico said. It then occurred to me that much of their comedy was done in the 1920’s and 30’s when Marijuana was still legal, and so I thought:
“Hmmm—Harpo and Chico looking for weed—-now THAT would’ve been a funny skit!”
Sadly, they never did a skit like this (for obvious reasons),but I think they should have!
So,with that thought in mind, I decided to try and channel the spirit of Harpo and Chico “For the skit that never was”(but should’ve been) :
(The scene starts off in a park at night time with Harpo & Chico meeting “on the sly”——- for some nefarious reason)
CHICO: “Hey Harpo! Is that you?”
HARPO: (Honks horn,smiles)
CHICO: “Heyyyy—-why you maka so mucha noise eh? “
HARPO: (Looks dismayed)
CHICO: “Ahhh, that’s OK. Listen, did you find the pot?”
HARPO: (smiles, holds up a pot)
CHICO: “No No thatsa No good! I said POT!! (Puts fingers to mouth, pretends to smoke), not a pot!”(Points at Harpo’s pot) AHHHH(Is disgusted)

HARPO: (Harpo frowns, throws pot down)
CHICO: “OK, OK, we try again. You no understand, but I understand. I try again.Listen—- I want you to get some leaf. You know—LEEEEAF?”
(Puts hand to mouth/pretends to smoke)
HARPO: (Goes to tree, plucks off a leaf and hands it to Chico)
CHICO: “NO NO NO! Not a LEEEAF!(Throws leaf down) A LEAF! LEEEAF! You know—like a Mary Jane?”(Makes smoking motion)
HARPO: (Runs over to sidewalk, grabs a woman who’s walking by, grabs sign from under his jacket that says “Mary Jane” and starts dancing with her. The woman of course is in shock, and pushes Harpo away and runs off into the night)
CHICO: “NO NO.That’s notaa the Mary Jane. Thats MARRRY Jane. We talk to her later after we getta the bud.You know what the Bud is, right?”
HARPO: (Smiles—-Grabs a guy walking by, holds out a sign that says “Bud”, moves close to the guy with a crazed grin and bumps into him, causing his horn to go off. The man knocks him down, looks annoyed and walks away)
CHICO: “AHHHH! You Know what? You maka me sick! Why You no say nothing? All the time I talk and talk, but you never say nothing! Whatsa matta for you ehhh?”
(He pushes Harpo—Harpo socks him and knocks him clean backwords)
CHICO: “Ohhh—I see! You wanna play tough eh? You wanna Fight eh? PUT em up!”
(Harpo and Chico dance around each other moving their fists back and forth. Finally Harpo kicks Chico.Chico swings and misses)
CHICO: “HEY! Above the waist eh? You fighta no fair!”
(We now see that a policeman is walking by, and hearing the noise, he comes towards the fight)
POLICEMAN: “HEYYYY! Whats the big idea? What’s allll this?”
(Harpo puts the leaf in the pot and points at them making whistling noises)
POLICEMAN: (Looks at Chico) “What’s wrong with him?”
CHICO: (Looks nervous, starts talking faster than before) “You see officer, I try to tell him something, but he no say nothing. Alllll the time I talk, but he no talk. I ask him to do something, and he PUNCH me in the face. So I tell him, OK, you wanna fight, lets fight——And that’s whena you showed up.”
POLICEMAN: “Wellllll,(Looks at Harpo, then at Chico) I don’t know what to make of that—-but you fellas need to get outta here, or I’m gonna take you down to the station. You got me?”
HARPO(Grabs sign with “Bud” written on it—-waves it the policeman, and grabs his arm and has him “hold his leg.” The policeman throws his leg down in annoyance)
POLICEMAN(Looking at Harpo) “Saaaaaay! Whats the big idea?”
(Harpo and Chico look at each other and then both rush at the policeman and knock him over into the water. As as he fumbles around trying to get back up, they both run away)
(We see the policeman stomping around in the water, trying to find his whistle. He does, blows on it—and a frog comes out of the end. Meanwhile, Harpo and Chico are far away. running as fast as they can. They finally stop running, and they are both panting., and with every pant Harpo’s horn is going “Honk! Honk! Honk!” Chico runs over to him and makes him stop)
CHICO: “SHHHHH! You wanna that policeman to find us? You crazy, ok?”
(Harpo makes the SHHH sign with his fingers over his lips and as he moves backwards promptly falls backwards over some garbage cans, making an incredible racket)
CHICO: “SHHH!(Helps Harpo up)OK, OK. Listen! I think we lose him. NOWWW——(He looks at Harpo seriously) We try ONE MORE TIME, OK? “
(Harpo nods his head and smiles and holds up sign that says “Bud” and points at Chico)
CHICO: “YES, Yes—I mean NOOOOOO ! Not thata bud! (He sighs) Ok, I try again. I wanta youuuu(Harpo smiles and nods) To geta meeeee—(Harpo points at him and smiles in agreement) some Reeeeeeefer. You know what I’m a saying? Reeeeefer?”
(Harpo smiles,slaps Chico on the back and starts to make laughing gestures)
CHICO: “You know eh? Ahhhh! Thatsa Good. Thatsa nice! You gonna get some right?”
(Harpo nods and smiles, but to Chico’s shock,he starts running back towards the water.)
CHICO:”HEY! HEY!(Runs after him, grabs him by the arm)Whatsa matta for you? “
(Harpo frantically whistles and points at the river and starts making paddling movements with his arms like he is in a canoe)
CHICO: “NO NO NO!(He looks distraught) Nota REEVER! I say REEEEFER. REEFER!!. You know—-we smoka da Reeeeefer?”
(Chico makes smoking motion with fingers, Harpo picks an acorn of the ground, pulls out his “Bud sign” again and points at it)
CHICO:(Looking utterly annoyed) “AHHHH! You know what? You crazy OK? I finda my own Bud!”
(Harpo points at the bud sign and points at himself in a pathetic manner)
CHICO: “ARRRGH!”(He stomps away)
(We then see Harpo looking dejected for a few seconds. He then shrugs his shoulders, pulls out a big fat joint, lights it up and takes a lonnnnnnnng hit. As he does, the camera zooms in on him, and we see his eyes are sparkling and he is smiling insanely. He then walks away in a very self satisfied manner,dancing a little as he goes and puffing on his “reefer.”)

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