Being a giant fan of both Southpark and the Star Wars movies, I thought it might be funny to have two of the main characters meet and see how they might “interact”.
(The scene starts with Eric Cartman playing in his front yard,and Master Yoda, taking his evening walk sees Eric playing)
CARTMAN: (Singing badly/off key to Lady Gaga’s song “Poker Face”)
“Cant read myyyyy——-Cant read myyyyy———-no sheeeee cant reeead——-mmmyyy———-POoooooK —–AA FAAAAAAAAAACE! See my boddddy, Myyy hot booodddaay”
YODA: (Mumbles to himself) “Hmmmmm—This childs appearance—how strange it is.”
CARTMAN:”Hahahah—-Who the HELL are you talkin to dude??”
YODA: “Talking to MEE?? HMM.For someone so young—FAT and HEAVY—-YOU ARE.”
CARTMAN: “Uh,excuse me? Are you making comments about MYYY appearance?? Seriouslah brah,have you looked in mirror lately dude? You’re like , a total freak——OK??”
YODA:”Such insolence!! For 900 years,Jedi knights have I trained!”
CARTMAN:”(Said in his most mocking tone)
“For nine hundred yeaaaahs,Jediiii KNiiiiights have I trained” Heh heh heh! Dude,your like——–GREEEEEEN———-and SHORRRRRRT——–and you got suuuuuper big earrrrrrs—-and you TALK FRIGGIN BACKWORDS—–OK??? It’s totally hellannoying. You sound like a total douchebag.”
YODA: “Talk HOW now,you say?”
CARTMAN:”SEE? You just did it again dude! !Heh hehe heh!! Oh my God brah! Your killin me!! Is that supposed to be cooooh,or somethin? Cause let me tell you somethin—its not. Its NOT COOOH!!!@# OK? You sound like a total retard,seriouslaah ”
YODA: “Hmmmmm—Much anger I sense in you.It is discipline you lack. Have you a father?”
CARTMAN: “OK dude,seriouslah? That’s just rude,ok?? And its NONE—of your GOD—DAMN—BUSINESS!! OK??’
YODA: “I asked merely a question of you, young padewan. But in your anger,now know I the truth. A father, you lack ”
CARTMAN: (Eyes cross) “Listen you little E.T douchbag! If you ask me that question—–ONE——–MORE——-TIME——–I SWeaaah, I will kick you squah in your alien nutsack, OK? Are we clear brah?
YODA: “Sooo——–THREATEN me,do you? Hmmmmmmm——-a man of peace,I am——–but defend myself,I WILL.
(Pulls out light saber—we hear the familar “whooshing sound”)
CARTMAN:”OK,thats it! THATS IT! You’re goin DOWN ya little piece of green crap!(Runs at Yoda)
(Yoda easily avoids Cartman by ducking out of the way,and snaps his bottom with the light saber)
CARTMAN:”OWWWWWWWWW!!(Starts to cry!)You ASSHOOOOOHE! I———AM GOING——–TO FUCKING———KILLLLLLLLL——-YOUUUUUU!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRR!!
(Runs at Yoda again,more wildly)
YODA:(dodges Cartman again,smacks his behind) “Many lessons have you to learn!(dodges Eric again,smacks his bottom again)about HONOR!!(another smack)and respecting your elders!!!(Smack! Smack!) The DARK SIDE I sense in you,little padewan!”
(Cartman is by now exhausted,holding his butt with both hands,rolling on the grass in pain)
CARTMAN:(Crying hard) “Maaaaaaaaaaaaamm!!! MAAAAAAAAAAAMM!”
CARTMANS MOM:(In a sing songy voice from the kitchen window)What Is it snookums??Ohh? Who’s you’re new little friend???
CARTMAN:(In his most pathetic voice)”MAAAAAAAAM??????? Remembeah that little green guyyyyyy, from those crappy movies that we watched befoaaah I was in Skoooooooooooooooo??? Well————-THERE HE IS! And you know what?? He—–(sobs) Just——(Sobs) BEAT—-(Sobs) MEeeeee (Sobs) UPPPP!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! MY ASSSS!!
YODA:(Talking to Cartman’s Mom)”Brought it on himself madam,HE DID.”.
CARTMANS MOM:Oh Dearrrr———–
CARTMAN:”AAAAARRRRRGH! GOD! DAMMMMMMIT!!! STOP——-TALKING—- BACKWARDS!!!!! OKAAAAYYY?????? Maybe that was coooh in the old days——- but its not cooh anymore!!! OK? Take some GOD DAMN ENGLISH You friggin Indian!!This is AMERICA GOD DAMN IT!!! MAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!”
YODA:”Continue to speak to me in that tone,and discipline you again,I will!”
(Yoda is actually starting to look a little bit angry!)
CARTMANS MOM: “Hun? Maybe you better come inside? OK Snooky wooky??”
CARTMAN: (Cartman stops crying and tries to look proud) “Yeah,You know what? YOU KNOW WHAT?? SCREW YOUUUU you little green freak dude with the big ears—I’M GOING INNNNNNSIIIIIIDE!!!!”
YODA:”Yes,it is good that you go INNNSIIDE..ANNNGRY you have made me!!!!Control myself much longer,I will not!!!”
(Yoda turns angrily away,and as he walks away from Eric Cartmans house,in a fit of rage,and using his “Jedi powers”, he blasts the tree in Eric’s yard, knocking it down.)
CARTMAN: “HEY!HEYYYY! You cant do that!!! HEY!! What the F@dge??? MAAAAAAM!Did you seeeeeee that?That green guy from those crappy movies who just beat me up knocked our treeeeeee down! Call 911!! MAAAM? MAAAM?