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HOW TO BE POPULAR AND “NORMAL” ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

(To be read  with utmost sarcastic tone)

Ok,OK—it has come to my attention that many people simply don’t like to read about controversial topics anywhere at anytime on social media and that certain topics make them angry and/or uncomfortable! Well being someone who has a Facebook and Twitter page, naturally  I want as many people as possible to like my pages and comments!

(Laughs quietly on the side,quickly stops,makes serious face again, continues)

So with this in mind,in an effort to be more mainstream,in the future, my statuses will only be about the following things:

1) The daily status of my health(Especially if I don’t feel well. If that’s the case, allllllllll details will be shared.)

2) I will make sure to regularly post what I have eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and what I am planning to eat, where and when.

(Lots of close up pictures of my food will be posted —–of course! DUH! )

3)I will make sure to share with you how much I lovvvvvve” My favorite sports teams”

(Note to self, pretend to like sports. Say things like Yay___ and Go___ to show people I care)

4)Selfies! LOTS of selfies. Cause I am soooooooooooo good lookin,right?

(Note to self:Practice in mirror.Take many in bathroom,at an angle. Make sure everyone can see my hot rack.Oh yeaaaaaah! You want this . YOU WANT THISSSSS!! Duck lips! Duck lips!)

5) I will take LOTS of pictures of my pet/pets!!

(Note to self: Find stray cat and dog—take picture, pretend its my pet. Score points with everyone.Show everyone how down to earth I am. That’s always “a hit with the babes” heh heh heh—yeaaaah)

6) My vacation schedule: This will be exhaustively covered,don’t worry. I will make sure everyone knows my full itinerary, and you will all get to see how much better my vacation is than annnnnnything you have evvvver done.

(Note to self—get photo shop—put myself in pictures in different places around the world.Make everyone jealous.)

7)There will be at least one posting a week where “I demand you share it with others to prove you’re really my FB friend”and “I know many of you wont”—- etc etc

8)When I am with my significant other, you will see all the pictures of us together!! You will see how haaaaappy and norrrrrrrrmal I am—just like youuuuuuuuu!!

Oh—I’m sorry—you’re single?

Well TTFY Beeeeyaaaaatch!

9) I will make sure to share what song”I’m really groovin on” at the moment on Facebook.You know,the song that at that moment, defines ME.

(If we were in the same house, I could turn my stereo up really loud—or if we were driving on the same part of the street, I could crank my car stereo up so you could hear it that way——but since we’re not, for now, Facebook will have to do? Taaaaaaaaaaanks.)

10) Last but not least, I will make sure to let you know about every horrible thing that others do to me/have done to me—whether its a bad neighbor, or a family member, or someone at my job/gig.

Basically, if someone/something has recently pissed me off? Well, you’re gonna hear about it!

But here’s what I WON’T be doing anymore:

1)NO more sharing anything “Intellectual” or”Political”(Ugh, no one cares , right? ) or

2)(Gasp) “conspiratorial” (Ugh—-get your tin foil hat off—- right Brian? 😉

The thing is—-I have just lost toooooooo many friends over these topics, and hey, like I said—I don’t want people to get upsettttttttttt annnnnnyyyyyymorrrrrre.

(In best Eric Cartman voice) “I jussssssst waaaaaannnnnnnnt peeeeeeeeeeople tooooooo liiiiiike meeeeeee??? On Faaaaaaaaceboooooooooooook??

(Eyes bulge, fake smile/fake sobbing)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—–OK—– JUST KIDDING.   😉 😉 😉

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