(To be read with tongue planted firmly in cheek)
(Makes earnest face) To all my non gender specific LGBTQ tolerant and racially and spiritually diverse friends:
I think the United States is long overdue to apply our new and wonderful standard of “Political correctness” to our National Anthem, which as we all know is a symbol of Male Patriarchy and oppression, a song that glorifies imperialism, nationalism and xenophobia.
So in the spirit of wanting to make everyone feel good about everything, may I kindly submit my new and “upgraded version” of the National Anthem” which I feel will more adequately express the true spirit of the America we all live in, here in 2016/2017.
(To make the changes more obvious, I will submit the original version of our anthem in large case letters followed by my much more modern and I think you’ll agree “Sensitive Updates” of those verses.)
1) “OHHHH SAAAAAYYYYY CAAAAANN YOUUUUUUU—-SEEEEE?”
Well, right here, we have a problem. Right off the bat, this verse assumes that all of us can “See”, and is completely offensive to all of those suffering from vision problems.
The new verse:
“Ohhhh saaaay can youuuuu—–form a picture in your mind, regardless of health challenges or disabilities which in no way compromise or undervalue you as a perrrrrsonnnnnnnnnnn?”
Soooo much better. Let us continue.
2) “BYYYYY THE DAWWWWWWNNSSSS EARRRRRR—-LYYYYYYY—–LIIIIIIIGHT?””
“Well here we have the typical assumption that “Light”=”Good” and “Dark”= “Bad” This is the underlying assumption behind racism and one of the main reasons for the oppression of brown skinned peoples all over the world.
May I suggest instead:
“Byyyy the neuuuuutrallllll colorrrrrrs of the skyyyyyyy”
3) “WHAAAAAT SOOOO PROUUUUUUDDDD—–LYYYY WEEEE—– HAAAAAAILED—”
Tsk tsk. The words I have a problem with here? “Hailed”———–
(Sounds a bit too much like “Heil” to me.)
May I suggest:
“Whaaaaat soooo hooooopefullly we looked upon without judgement or discriminaaaationnnnnn?”
(Ah yes—this feels good! Puffs up chest with HOPE.)
4) “AT —THE TWIIIII—-LIIIIGHTS—LASSSSST—GLEEEEEEEM—INGGGG—-”
OK—this one can stay.(Sigh.)
5) ‘WHOSE BROAD STRIIIIIPES—–ANNNNND—BRIIIIIIGHT —STARRRRRRRRS—”
(Damn. nothing wrong with that either.)
6)’THRUUUUUUU THE PERRRRRR—-ILLLLL_—-LOUSSSSSSSS FIIIIIIGHT—“”
AHH HA. “Fight?” “FIIIGHT?” Imperialist swine. That needs to be changed for sure!
“Thru the perrrrr—–illll—ousssssss—-disagreement which was resolved thru diplomatic and peaceful meeeeeeeeansssssssssssssssss——”
7)”O’ERRRR THE RAMMMMM—PARTS—-WEEEE WATCHED—”
(Hmmm—-besides the grammar being poor , I can find nothing offensive here. It can stay. Sigh.)
8)”WERE SO GALLLL—–ANNNNT–TRYYYY—STREEEEEEEM—-INGG—-”
Again, there’s nothing “politically incorrect” here——-but, like the previous verse,the words are archaic, and as we all know, anything old sucks and most be made more hip.
So lets go with:
” Over the Walllllllllll that we built(and that Mexico paid for) our flag was awwwwwwe—–sommmme——-llllllllyyyyyyyyy—-Floooooowwwwwwwwwinnggggggg”
Next we have—–
9) “AND THE ROCCKKKKKKK—-ETSSSSS—REDDDD—-GLARRRRRRE—”
That can stay. Rockets are always coooooooool.
10) “THE BOMBS BURRRRRST—-INGGGG—-INNNN-AIRRRRRRR—”
Ok damn it! Even tho we all know this song was written about war, do they have to make it so dark and violent?
(Looks away with fake sad look,flings head and non existent hair away from face)
Bombs=Killing. Killing is a downer.
11) “GAAAAVE PROOOOOOOOOF THRU THE NIIIIIGHT—THAT OUR FLAAAAAG—-WASSSS—–STILLLLLL—-THERRRRRRE——”
Wait a minute—-Alllll of this killing and violence——–just so we could “see our flag was still there?”
Couldn’t we have just agreed to end sovereign borders? Siiiigh.
(Do you seeeeee all the trouble these nationalistic xenophobic sentiments cause? )
12)”OHHHH—-SAAAAAY—–DOESSSSS THAT STARRRRR——SPANGGGGGG——LLLLLLED—-BANNNNNNNNN—-ERRRR—YET WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE?—-”
Flags,Flags Flags. Allllways the flaaaaags!!
Is that all you 19th century people cared about? What about gender and race, and reproductive rights—and what kind of word is SPANGLE? HMMMM?
I don’t even know where to start with this.
(You just know the guy who wrote this would’ve been a Trump supporter. SMH. )
OK, OK—–we’ll leave that for now. Lets finish this dreadful song shall we?
(Ugh. I am so offended right now.)
13) “OERRRR THE LAAAAAANNNNNND OF THE FREEEEEEE? AND THE HOOOOOME—OF THE—–BRAAAAAAVE?”
Well—–we know that back when this song was written in the stone ages, “Free” meant WHITE MEN getting everything and everyone else being oppressed. So while I like the word “Free”, I think to make this anthem truly “modern” , we need to change “Free” to:
“Equal and respected under the lawwwwww”
As for “Home of the Brave”—-HUMPH. More like home of the racists and bigots.
(Again,shakes head,flips non existent hair from face.)
Lets go with “and the Hoooooome of safe spaaaces for all people of non gender specific, racial and sexually diverrrrrrrse backgrouuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnds!”
ARRRRGH! Better yet—-lets just drop the whole thing!!
National Anthems are by their very nature, Xenophobic——and no one country should be to proud of itself, because that promotes aggressive behavior, patriarchy, and other horrible unmentionable things that men always do—-(WHITE MEN!)
Annnnnd——its not fair to the other countries!
So just forget it.Just FORGET IT.
Whats the point anyways? Trump won so we’re alllll dead! It’s OVVVVER Maaan. OVVVVVERRRRRRR! WAAAAAA!
(Stomps away,Tears up cyber verses of new national anthem and grabs I-Phone, starts texting)