BREAKING “Bri TV” NEWS: PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCES USA WILL BUILD A MALL, NOT “A WALL” ON THE MEXICAN BORDER!
In a breaking news story today, President Donald Trump mentioned today that he was excited to get started on “Building a Mall on our Southern Border.”
Naturally this story was met by loud groans and shocked disbelief from pundits and journalists all over the country. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer had the unenviable task of explaining The Presidents seemingly “New position” on Border Security.
Here are some excerpts from today’s conference:
MARIA BARTIROMO: “Sean, is this a joke?”
SEAN SPICER: “Ms Bartiromo,there’s no joke here. President Trump has been saying this from the beginning.”
MARIA BARTIROMO: “Sean,are you actually trying to tell us that all this time, Mr Trump was saying the word “Waaaaallllllll” when he meant “Maaaaalllll? Do you really expect us to believe this?”
SEAN SPICER: ” Yes Maria I do, and here’s why: You see,,Mr Trump suffers from a rare disease called “MW syndrome.” Its a sort of reverse version of dsylexia. You see the letter “M” looks a lot like an upside “W”, and when Mr Trump was reading his notes, he saw the word “Mall” as “Wall”. We were going to correct it initially ,but people seemed so happy with the idea that we told him to keep saying it.”
But Ms Bartiromo and other members of the white House Press Corp were not so easily convinced.
MARIA BARTIROMO: “Sean, come on. Shouldn’t the President just come clean and admit that he never intended to build a wall, and that the whole thing was just a political stunt to get votes?”
SEAN SPICER: “Maria, are you accusing me of lying about MW syndrome? You know, Its a serious issue, and it has caused the President a lot of trouble in the past.It’s something he and all of his family have had to live with. This is no joke! So just let me assure you that Mr Trump never meant to build a wall. His intention was always to build A MALL. M-A-L-L. MALL. He thought that it would be a great way to get some $$ flowing back into the American economy and deal with the immigration problem at the same time.”
MARIA BARTIROMO: (Interrupts Sean) “But Sean, how would—”
SEAN SPICER: “Let me finish Maria! Remember when Donald Trump said Mexico would pay for this? Well this is what he meant. Mexicans love to shop just as much as Americans do, and this 700 mile long mall will not only bring thousands of jobs to Americas economy, it will extract millions of dollars in revenue every year from the Mexican people. I mean,just think of all the business we could get from these illegals!! That’s how they will pay for the mall.”
MARIA BARTIROMO: (Laughing and shaking her head) “Wait a minute Sean. Why wasn’t this mistake corrected?. I mean, if the President meant to say Mall, and he has trouble with this upside down dyslexia you’re referring to—“
SEAN SPICER: “Its called MW Syndrome Maria.”
MARIA BARTIROMO: “OK, MNW Syndrome—–Why didn’t the President or someone on his team correct the mistake right away? Why did he continue to insist that we would be building a wall?”
SEAN SPICER: “Well Maria, we were going to correct the mistake. But when we saw how well the idea of building a Wall played in the heartland and the south, we decided to stick with the idea and explain it later after we’d won the election.”
MARIA BARTIROMO: “Isn’t that deceitful Sean?”
SEAN SPICER: “Everybody does it Maria.”
So there you have it America—-we’re not going to build a wall—we’re going to build a MALL. A REALLY big Mall.
We still do not have the details on who will be building this mall, or what American or Mexican companies will be participating in it, or how illegals will be apprehended at this mall———but I’m sure we will be hearing a lot more in coming days about this breaking story.
(More “Breaking News”: President Trump has just made a statement in regards to the “Wall Vs Mall” controversy!)
(In best “Trump voice”) “My Fellow Americans. Today, I revealed to you my real plans for creating a safe southern border. Let me just say that I deeply regret not being honest with you from the beginning. As you know, I do suffer from a disease called MW Syndrome. It makes me read W’s as M’s and M’s as W’s—it is sort of a Horizontallll version of dyslexia. Its true. Its very bad, Very bad. But I want to emphasize to all of you who may feel disappointed that there will only be a mall, and not a wall that this in no way implies that I am softening my stance on making our southern border secure and stopping the flow of illegal aliens into our country.”
(Clears throat, continues)
“As you know,I have often mentioned in the past that Mexico will pay for the wall. Well, I have not changed my stance on this one iota in terms of the Mall. Mexico is going to help pay for this yuuuuge mall—and folks, its gonna be yuuuuge. It’s gonna be treeeemennnndous, trust me.”
(Sniffs, raises right hand, makes ok signal)
“Now—- How are they going to pay for it? Simple—-with the new revenue streams that this mall will create that will come from Mexican citizens, both legal citizens and those attempting to come here illegally,as well as all the rent that Mexican companies, along with American companies will pay to set up shop there.
This will beee—–(raises hand up) The biggest shopping malllll in huuuumannnn hissstoryyyyyy. and who better to build it than Trump, right? —-so trust me, this is going to be a good thing. And BTW, we WILL have security there, and we will be stopping illegals from crossing over into our country from the mall. That I can guarantee you. But I feel this is a much more humane way to stop them and it makes good business sense.”
(Sniffs,gets closer to the camera)
“I hope this has helped explain the situation. Lets keep on making America great again,ok? God bless you—and God Bless the Uniiiited Staaaates of Amerrrricaaaa.”