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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!”) ACT 3, SCENES 1 & 2

(2 men wearing ski masks have just entered the deli. One of them has gotten everyone’s attention by shooting a pistol into the air)

MAN IN SKI MASK #1: “OK, here’s what’s going to happen: You’re all going to get your phones out, your wallets and purses and put them on the floor.”

(We see all the customers complying—-except George, who of course, left his wallet at home.)

MAN IN SKI MASK #1:(Turns and looks at woman behind the counter) “YOU! Open the cash register! (Throws a burlap sack at her) Put all the money in that bag..”

(We see that everyone has thrown their wallets,purses and cell phones in front of them,except for George, and they all have their hands up.The 2nd man ,who has been walking back and forth as the customers have been doing this now addresses the crowd)

MAN IN SKI MASK #2: “OK, I want everyone to sit down.” (They all sit down slowly) “Good. Good. No one needs to get hurt here. Just do what we say and this will all be over quickly.” Continue Reading »

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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!”) ACT 2,SCENES 6 &7

(Jerry,George and Kramer are now running down the stairs in hopes of finding a deli/someplace to get something to eat. They are talking to each other as they quickly descend the stairs)

KRAMER:(Looking back up the stairs at Jerry & George) “Come on! Hurry up! We’ve only got 13 minutes til the wedding starts.”

JERRY:(Out of breath) “Just curious—where are we going?”

GEORGE:(Also breathless) “I—don’t know. There—has to be—-something nearby! Its the plaza, right?” Continue Reading »

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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!” ) ACT 2, SCENE 5

(We now see Newman and his “Wife to be” have finally spotted Jerry, and Newman’s WTB can scarcely contain herself, and ends up rushing up to Jerry, who is seated at the table next to Elayne. He gets up, apparently getting ready to make his exit, but is stopped by Newman’s wife to be)

NEWMAN’S WTB : “OH MY GOD!!!! It’s reeeeeally you!!!”

(Jerry looks around, pretends to be surprised)

JERRY: “You talkin to me?”

NEWMAN : “Oh haaaaa haaa.” (Looks away in disgust)

NEWMANS WTB:(Literally glowing with happiness) “I am SUCH a fan. You have no idea what  a big day for me. ”

JERRY: “Well—I’m glad you liked the show.And you’re getting married to a wonderful guy!”

NEWMANS WTB: (Completely ignores Jerry’s comment about her wedding) “Oh, I’m a huge fan. I have watched every show DOOOOZENNNNS of times.”

(Newman looks away, looks concerned)

NEWMAN: (whispers to himself) “Dozens?”

JERRY: “Well, it was time well spent.”

NEWMAN’S WTB: “Of course,My favorite episodes are the ones my Newmee is in. “(Turns arounmd and smiles at Newman)

(Elayne scoffs, Peterman also puts up his hand to hide his laughing)

PETERMAN:(Looks at Elayne and whispers to her) “Newmee?  Heh heh.”

NEWMAN: (Looks embarrassed) “Yes, Jerry hired a real puff ball to play me. ”

(We see now that Jerry is looking at the door and sees George and Kramer motioning to him to “Hurry up.” George points at his wrist like he has a watch, signaling that time is short. Jerry then turns around and looks at Newman’s “wife to be” who is still gazing at him with loving eyes. Elayne has been looking at her. she makes a face and turns her head in disgust)

JERRY: “Hey—I’d love to chat with both of you more, but I’m sure you have to get ready and  I REALLY have to get to a bathroom.(Newmans WTB looks disappointed) “We’ll definitely have to hang out after the wedding .By the way—-what did you say your name was? ”

NEWMAN’S WTB: “I’ll give you a hint—-it rhymes with a female body part.”

JERRY: (Makes face) “Mulllva?”

NEWMANS WTB: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”(She bends over, continues laughing hysterically. Elayne is now obviously annoyed)

 

ELAYNE:(whispers under her breath) “Sheesh. It wasn’t THAT funny.”

NEWMANS WTB: “No Jerry, my name isn’t Mulva silly! It’s Shari.”

(Jerry looks at her with a bit of confusion) “Shari?”

NEWMANS WTB(Shari) :Yeah—-you know—it rhymes with Ovary?”

(Elayne crosses her eyes, makes the finger signs by her head to indicate “Crazy”)

JERRY: “Ummm—Shari doesn’t really rhyme with Ovary.”

ELAYNE: (Pipes in out of nowhere) “It certainly doesn’t.”

SHARI: “Oh Yes it does! (Jerry looks at her and is unconvinced) You knowww—–Sharrrey??  OV-Ar—rrrraaaay?”

ELAYNE: “Oh yeah. That’s a perfect match. HAH.”

(Laughs and looks at Peterman, who looks bored) “Can you believe her??”

(Peterman looks down at his watch, looks away, makes a completely tired almost depressed face.)

JERRY: “Well, listen, I’ve GOT to go—– Shari. ”

SHARI: “Oh yeah—–we wouldn’t want to wet yourself.”

(She looks him up and down, and is obviously flirting with him now. Newman butts in, looking a little nervous)

NEWMAN: “Come my love—lets let Jerry go the bathroom.”

SHARI: “OK—-see you soon Jerry!”

(She winks at him as Newman literally pulls her away from the group as he waves goodbye.)

PETERMAN:(Waves at Newman and Shari)  “Congratulations Newman! Nice to meet you to Shari!”

(He turns around, and Elayne is glaring at him in disgust)

ELAYNE: “UGH! What a moron. Could that wedding dress BE any tighter? Eh Jer?”(she looks around)  “Jer?”

PETERMAN: (Looks slyly) “I think Jerry left to relieve himself Elayne.”

ELAYNE: (smirks) “He probably just used that as an excuse to get away from Miss Ovary.”

(We now see Jerry moving towards the door. George and Kramer are no longer looking at him thru the crack of the door——but we assume they are still waiting outside. Suddenly, a man pops right in front of Jerry. It’s “Banya”, Jerry’s old comedian nemesis)

BANYA: “JERRRYYYY! HEYY! ”

(Jerry looks surprised)

JERRY: “Banya? BANNNYA? what are you doing here?”

BANYA(Looks a little hurt) “Wow Jerry, that’s not very nice! I haven’t seen you in nearly 20 years,a nd that’s all you can say?”

JERRY: (Tries to feign care) “Sorry Banya. I was just making my way to the bathroom.”

(Tries to go around Banya, but Banya jumps in front of him and blocks him)

BANYA: “That was the worst greeting ever Jerry. The WORST.”

(Jerry now sees George’s head sticking out thru the barely open door. George is gesturing frantically.)

JERRY: “Banya I said I was sorry. (Pretends like he has to go to the bathroom) “Look Banya, I have to get to the bathroom.Know what I mean? Number 2?”

(Jerry starts to try to walk around Banya again. Banya doesn’t try and stop him this time, but laughs at him)

BANYA: “You’re going the wrong way.Bathrooms over there.”

(Points in the opposite direction of the door)

(Jerry looks a bit perplexed, but quickly recovers)

JERRY: “Well, I’m going to the one in the hall. Nice and private.”

(Banya keeps talking as Jerry starts to walk away)

BANYA: “You know I got married, right Jerry? ”

(Jerry stops, turns around)

JERRY: “Really? Who’s the lucky lady?”

BANYA: “It’s not a she Jerry. Its a HE. His name is Doug. ”

(Jerry looks shocked)

JERRY: “Wait a minute—-you’re gay?”

BANYA(Looks offended) “Yes Jerry I am. You got a problem with that?”

JERRY: (Throws hands up) “No no—–of course not!! ”

BANYA: “How’d you like to meet him?”

JERRY: (Looks towards door, sees George frantically gesturing more than ever) “Some other time Banya. Gotta run!”

(Jerryu turns around and is almost at the door)

BANYA: “Maybe when you come back? Jerry? (Jerry is going thru the door, Banya is now yelling) “You owe me Jerry! I still want that meal!”

(Jerry finally gets outside the room, and we see George pacing frantically, and Kramer sitting down against the wall, just looking up at the wall)

GEORGE: (Sees Jerry) “THERE you are. Jerry, its 1:45!! What took you so long? We have 15 minutes Jerry! 15 minutes! We’ll never make it back in time!”

(Jerry looks annoyed)

JERRY: Ahhh—-so what? Banya is in there. I don’t even know if I want to go back in now.”

KRAMEr: “He’s gay you know. Got married and everything. ”

GEORGE: (shrugs his shoulders) “Wow. Banya’s gay? Never would figured that. (He pauses, looks around, makes pained face) “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

JERRY: “No of course not.” (Both George and Jerry look uncomfortable)

KRAMER: (Looking animated) “Well? Lets not stand around! We have 14 minutes! Lets get going!”

JERRY: “Where are the stairs ?”

KRAMER: “Right over here! Follow me!”

(Kramer bounds ahead, George follows right after . We see the doorman look up from his phone at Jerry as he starts to follow George. Jerry waves. The doorman doesn’t acknowledge Jerry, and looks back at his phone. Jerry shrugs his shoulders and runs after George)

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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!”) ACT 2, SCENE 4)

(We see George trying to look nonchalant, walking towards the entrance of the hall—no one is paying any attention to him. On the way to the door, he almost runs into & knocks over Babu, Jerry’s Indian friend who got deported and blamed it on Jerry. Babu looks at him, squints and waves his finger at him)

BABU: “Watch where you are going, you crazy maaan. ”

GEORGE: “Sorry, Sorry. ”

BABU:(Looks at George more closely) “Saaaaaay—–don’t I know you? ”

GEORGE:(Looking chagrined, tries to move away towards the door) “Nope. Never seen you before.Look—-gotta run! ”

BABU:(Looks after George as he scurries away, shakes his head and continues walking thru out the crowds of people at the wedding)

(We now see that Jerry and Kramer are watching George as he makes his way to the exit/entrance)

JERRY: “OK, it’s your turn. Go! ” (Grabs Kramer by the arm) “But Kramer? Look CASUAL.”

KRAMER: “Oh buddy, you know Cosmo can be causual..”

(Jerry looks away, grimaces,Kramer makes a goofy smile and walks towards the door, not looking very casual at all. In fact , he is almost strutting. He looks back at Jerry and gives a “Thumbs up”—-Jerry looks away, annoyed. As Kramer is looking at Jerry and making the thumbs up sign, he runs right into  “The Soup Nazi’s”table. He almost knocks the whole table over and desperately attempts to keep the lids from falling off as the “Soup Nazi” looks on with contempt)

SOUP NAZI: (Glares) “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

KRAMER:” Sorry buddy. It’s cool. It’s cool.”

(attempts to regain composure and look nonchalant as whole wedding party looks over at him. They eventually start talking again and turn away. Kramer salutes a few people walking by him who look at him with contempt.)

SOUP NAZI: (Literally scowling at Kramer)   “Oh it’s cool eh? Its cooool? NO FOOD FOR YOU!”

(Kramer looks shocked)

KRAMER: You know, you really ARE a Nazi!”

THE SOUP NAZI:”(Looking furious) “Get away from my table! ”

(Kramer literally jumps away and continues to walk towards the door.. We pan to George, who is standing around outside the hall,anxiously awaiting Kramer and Jerry. The doorman is eyeing him.)

THE DOORMAN: “What are you doing out here? The wedding is inside!”

GEORGE: (Looks a bit nervous, but tries to play it cool) “I’m just getting some fresh air. Little crowded in there——I’m a little claustrophobic.”

THE DOORMAN: “Oh you are huh? ”

GEORGE: “Yes, I AM.”

(Kramer bursts thru the door, just as he used to do in Jerry’s apartment)

GEORGE: “Kramer! “(Looks over his shoulder) “Where’s Jerry?”

KRAMER: “Oh,he’ll be here shortly.”

(George looks at Kramer and pulls him close, talking in a whisper thru gritted teeth)

GEORGE:”I hope he gets here soon. This doorman is given me a lot of grief.”

(The doorman is now looking at them both and starts walking over)

THE DOORMAN: “All right, what’s going on here? What are you two guys up to?”

KRAMER: (Tries to look calm and cool) “Oh we’re just waiting on Jerry.”(George nudges him in the ribs)

KRAMER:”What?”

(George pulls Kramer close, again talks in a whisper thru gritted teeth)

GEORGE: It’s supposed to be a secret! Remember??”

THE DOORMAN:”Well, wait somewhere else.I don’t want you guys hangin around here.You’re makin me nervous.”

GEORGE: “We’re makin YOU nervous?”

KRAMER:(Steps up the doorman) “Hey buddy, what’s your problem? We’re not hurtin anyone!”

THE DOORMAN:” Yeah? Well you’re not helping anyone either, so scram!”

GEORGE: “Look pal—-remember when I got here and I asked you to check the list?”

THE DOORMAN: “Yeah?AND?”

GEORGE: “Remember when I told you about Cosmo Kramer, the guy who invited me?? ” (Kramer looks up, like a dog hearing a dog whistle)

THE DOORMAN: “Get to the point.”

GEORGE: “Well—THIS is Cosmo Kramer. He’s the guy who made the list.”

THE DOORMAN:(Looks at Kramer) “Your name is Cosmo? ”

KRAMER: “Yep—I’m Cosmo.”

(George butts in)

GEORGE: “Now Cosmo—would you please tell this man that you put me on the list?”

KRAMER: “Oh yours on the list all right. I made sure of that. ”

GEORGE: “Oh Yeah? Well the DOORMAN says I’m not!!”

(The doorman looks a bit smug, and walks away , laughing a little)

KRAMER: “What? Let me see that list!”

(Kramer walks over to the doorman, they scuffle a little as he tries to stop Kramer from grabbing the list. Kramer eventually succeeds, grabs the list off the dais where the doorman has been standing. He starts looking down the list)

KRAMER: “Ok, now lets see———–Calvin,Carrington,Cornmann——–Costanza——GEORGE COstanzaaaa. Right here!”(Holds list up to doorman)

GEORGE(Looks very annoyed, looks angrily at the doorman) “Wellll—-I thought you said I wasn’t on the list?”

THE DOORMAN: (Looks away nonchalantly) “I lied.”

GEORGE: (In exasperation) “You lied? You lied? WHY? Why did you lie? Why would you do that? What kind of person does that?”

THE DOORMAN: (smirks) “Meh—-I was just messin with ya.”

GEORGE: “HO HOOOO!”(throws up hands and walks away)

KRAMER: (Looks annoyed and throws list back at doorman)

KRAMER:”You know what? I’m going to report you.”” (The doorman laughs)

KRAMER: (Looks at him with a flushed face,eyes bulging out) “Oh you think its funny? Well——-No one treats my friends like that! You hear me?. Ohhhh—-YEAH.”

(George looks back inside door, turns back around with irritation)

GEORGE: “Jerry is still at the table!”

KRAMER: “What? Let me see!”

(Kramer walks over to the door, and we see them both looking out thru a crack in the door.)

KRAMER: “Newman is there. Oh maaan. The jig is up.”

(George looks at the clock on the wall—-its now 1:35. They have 25 minutes)

GEORGE: “Kramer, it’s 1:35. the wedding starts in 25 minutes! I say we go without him.”

KRAMER: (looks appalled) “Leave without Jerry? Absolutely not.”

(George makes pleading look)

GEORGE: “Kramer, I’m starved. If we leave right now, we MIGHT be able to get back in time with no one noticing. But we have to go NOW.”

KRAMER:” Not a chance. We wait for Jerry.”

GEORGE:” but Kramer—”

KRAMER:”AHHHHH! No buts. Jerry wouldn’t leave without us, so I’m not leaving without him.”

(The doorman walks back over)

THE DOORMAN: “Look , I don’t know what you guys are up to, but —”

(George and Kramer both turn and yell at the doorman at the same time)

GEORGE AND KRAMER: “OH SHUT UP!”

(Both George and Kramer turn back around and continue peeping in thru crack in the door. The doorman, walks away shaking his head. )

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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!) ACT 2,SCENES 2 & 3

(We see just as Newman and his “Wife to be”  go running out of the kitchen area that Jerry and George are no longer at there table. Newman’s “Wife to be” looks perplexed,as Newman feigns disappointment)

NEWMAN: “Hmmmm—-Jerry seems to have vanished.”

NEWMANS’S WTB: “”He was just right here! Where did he go?”

NEWMAN:” Oh well—–he’ll be around. Oh look—your parents are over there. Let’s go talk to them.”

(Newman drags his “Wife to be” away, as she is looking around for Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. We now see that Jerry and George are already at the other side of the hall and have  made there way back towards the entrance—the doorman is still there. Just then, the elevator opens, and we see Elayne and Peterman come out They see Jerry and George, and Elayne shrieks)

ELAYNE: JERRRYYY! EEEEEE!

(She runs up to him, literally jumps on him. Jerry looks absolutely shocked)

JERRY: “Hey Hey! Easy on the upholstery Benis!” (sees Peterman) “Well—-Hello Mr Peterman! You’re looking well!”

PETERMAN: “Jerry, it’s always a real pleasure.” (Looks at George) “Georrrge!”

(Runs over to him, gives him a big hug)

GEORGE:”Hey Hey! Easy on the upholstery! “(Jerry gives him the evil eye)

PETERMAN:”George, I’m so glad you’re here. NOW, I’ll have someone to hang out with! You know, you and I had some great times together”

(We see flashbacks from previous episodes where George is sitting at the foot of the bed with Peterman’s dying mother—-we then see Peterman yelling at George”The code Goerge! THE CODE”)

PETERMAN: “Ahhhh—-yes. Still have that ATM code? Mr Bossssco? EHHH?”

(Hits him in the ribs. George laughs half heartedly. The camera then pans over to Jerry and Elayne.Elayne is looking at Jerry fondly.)

ELAYNE: “Wow Jer. It’s been a lonnnng time eh?” (she hits him on the arm and smiles)

JERRY: “Yeah— along time. You look good.” (He looks her over)

ELAYNE:”So do you Jer.”

(She sidles up to him,puts her head on his shoulder. She is obviously still interested in him. Jerry notices this, pulls away and is visably uncomfortable, and quickly looks away)

“JERRY: “Hey everyone, lets all go inside and see what kind of food they have in this joint?”

PETERMAN: “That sounds like a good idea Jerry. Elayne?”

(Elayne looks a bit crestfallen, but takes his arm and walks inside)

GEORGE: (Looks at the doorman in disbelief, walks over to him)
“Umm—-excuse me? How come you didn’t stop them? How come you didn’t make sure THEY were on the list? ”

DOORMAN: “I knew they were on the list.”

GEORGE:”Really? How?”

DOORMAN:”I JUST—KNEW.”(Glares at George)

(George glares back at him. They have “a glare off”)

GEORGE: “I’m gonna be watching you.”

DOORMAN: “YEAH? Well, I’m gonna be watching YOU.”

GEORGE: Uh Huh. Uh huh. We’ll see.”

(Jerry , who has been standing at the door, finally cuts in)

JERRY:” “Are we done here?”

GEORGE: “Yeah—-FOR NOW.”

(Looks as mean as he can at the doorman, and walks back into the main room with Jerry.
ACT 2,SCENE 3

(George,Jerry,Elayne and Peterman walk back into the main room together.Jerry spots a table near one of the food tables where a chef is standing, looking very serious and sombre)

JERRY: (Looking at everyone) “Hey—hows this look?”

PETERMAN: “Why this will do splendidly—and right next to the goodies. Ummm Mmmm. Smell that Elayne?”

ELAYNE: (She is obviously not thrilled at sitting so close to the food) “Yeah—smells greaaat. Um—-do we really want to sit this close to the food station? I mean, people are going to be walking past us the whole time we’re here!”

GEORGE: “Yeah—-but look at it this way Elayne: We don’t have to walk that far for seconds.”

(He laughs—no one else does)

JERRY:” Yeah Elayne, you might have a point—–I’ve been signing autographs all day. Maybe somewhere a little less conspicious would be better?”

ELAYNE: “Bingo.”

(starts to get up, looks at Peterman, who obviously liked the spot)

ELAYNE: “Come on John, lets go.”

GEORGE:(Looks amused) “John? Your name is John?”

(Jerry looks a bit embarrassed)

JERRY: “Well George, what do you think the J stood for? Jehosophat?”

(Elayne laughs and looks lovingly at Jerry. George looks annoyed)

GEORGE: “Well, I didn’t think it stood for John—maybe James—or Jerome. But John? He doesn’t look like a John.”

PETERMAN: “Well thank you George. I never liked the name either.”

(Elayne is still standing and waiting for him to get up. Peterman sees this and sighs, and gets up)

PETERMAN: “OK, lets find another place to sit.Anything for my lovely Elayne!”

(Elayne and Peterman walk away, presumably to find another table.All the while this discussion has been taking place, Jerry is looking at the chef behind the table.)

JERRY: (looks at George, and points at the chef) “He looks familiar. Don’t ya think?”

GEORGE: “Who?”

JERRY: “The chef! Right there in front of us? I’ve seen him before!”

GEORGE: (Looks at him more closely) “Oh My GOD. It’s him! It’s the Soup Nazi!”

JERRY: (Looks shocked, then laughs) “Noooo!”

GEROGE: “Jerry, that’s him——–I’d swear on a stack of bibles!”

JERRY: “But you don’t believe in God!”

(George looks flustered)

GEORGE:” Jerry, you know what I mean. ”

JERRY: (Smirks) “I dare you to go find out.”

GEORGE: “What? No way!”

JERRY: (Pulls out his wallet,grabs a $100 bill) “George? I’ll give you $100 if you go and ask him if he’s the soup nazi.”

GEORGE: “Hmmm—-$100? ”

JERRY: “One hundred big ones.”

GEORGE: (Grabs the $) “OK—I’m goin in”

JERRY: George? ”

(George stops and looks back)

JERRY: “BE CAREFUL.”

(George waves him off and walks up to the table lined with steaming trays of food. He stands nonchalantly, pretending to be looking around.The chef is purposely not making eye contact with him, but is nonetheless ,keeping an eye on him. George then attempts to pull up one of the trays to see whats under the lid)

CHEF: “WHAT are you doing?”

(George jumps back and looks a little afraid)

GEORGE:” Oh—sorry. I was just curious as to what we were going to be—-”
(The chef interrupts him)

CHEF: “NOBODY looks under my trays. NO ONE. Do you understand?”

GEORGE: “Oh my God. It IS you.”

(The Chef turns away—he starts to talk with his back turned)

CHEF: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

GEORGE: “You’re him! The Soup Nazi!.”

CHEF: (Still with his back turned) “Go away!”

(George moves to try and see the chefs face—the chef turns to compensate for Georges attempt.)

GEORGE:”OK, just answer me this: You owned a soup deli before,right? Will you at least tell me that much?”

CHEF: “I have nothing more to say.”

GEORGE(Looks smug) “OK, I won’t ask you again.”

(George looks at the trays, and is obviously hungry)

GEORGE: “Look—— Can I at least have a little food? Please? The wedding doesn’t start for another hour or so, and I didn’t eat any breakfast.”

CHEF:(Turns around, glares at George) “No food for you! Come back—TWO—HOURRRS.”

(George gasps, then turns around, and sees Jerry watching him from a distance—-he gives him the thumbs up, and makes the “heil Hitler” sign with his right arm. Jerry buckles over laughing)

GEORGE: “Well—-ok sir. I’ll see YOU in 2 hours.”

(The chef scowls at him, and turns around again. George goes walking back to Jerry)

JERRY: “I can’t believe you did that! Was it really him?”

GEORGE: “It’s really him! How is HE here?”

JERRY: “Well—-Newman always loved that soup—He must’ve tracked the guy down for his wedding.”

GEORGE: “Well—-he’s still as nutty as ever!”

JERRY: “Hey,at least we know the food is gonna be good.”

(Suddenly the door opens and in comes Cosmo Kramer—-he is dressed a little more like the old Kramer, and his hair isn’t quite as flat as it was at the beginning of the story)

ELAYNE:  “Oh. MY GOD. Is that Kramer?”

JERRY: (smirking a little) “He did change his look quite a bit, didn’t he?”

ELAYNE: “Wow—-he almost looks—normal?”

(Kramer sees Jerry and Elayne, points and then screams)

KRAMER: “ELAAAAYNE! JERRRY!”

(They both hang their head a bit—Jerry is noticeably embarrassed. Jerry waves, but walks behind Peterman as he does—-all of the wait staff look over in his direction as Kramer comes bounding over—-he runs up to Jerry and hugs him)

KRAMER: “Aw maaaan? Isn’t this great! We’re all like on big happy family again!”

(He then looks at George, and hugs him as well—George looks uncomfortable, but hugs back—a little. Kramer then looks at Elayne)

KRAMER: Elaaaaayne Benis? Why you still look as—-”

(Peterman jumps in between him and Elayne and cuts Kramer off)

PETERMAN: “J Peterman at your service!”

(Kramer looks a bit nonplussed, as we has getting ready to hug Elayne—Peterman obviously didnt want this to happen. Kramer regroups)

KRAMER: “Oh yeah—Peterman—J. Petermann—–“(Hits head with palm) “YOU”RE the guy I sold all the stories to!! ”

PETERMAN(Chest swells with pride) “The same! And may I say its great to see you Cosmo. You’re looking fabulous. simply fantastic. Doesn’t he Elayne?
Or should I say,Misses Peterman?”

(He turns and looks at Kramer, who looks surprised )

KRAMER: “The two of you? Married? Well I’ll be.”

(George quickly jumps in)

GEORGE: “Kramer—-its good to see you here. ”

(Kramer looks George over and makes a face)

KRAMER: “Your tux is too big.”

(Everyone laughs, George looks dismayed)

GEORGE: “Its no big deal.”

KRAMER: (Starts to laugh more) “What do you have under there? You’re not a terrorist or anything are you George? Eh? EH? ”

(Needles him a little with his elbow—-Everyone laughs)

GEORGE(George turns away, grits his teeth and grunts out “Jerry!”—-turns back around)

KRAMER: “Seriously George—have you ever heard of a mirror?”

GEORGE: “Alright, that’s enough Kramer.”

(Kramer who is still laughing looks at Jerry)

KRAMER: “Jerry, you let him go in public like this? ”

JERRY(Shrugs his shoulders) “I tried to tell him.”

GEORGE(Looks angrily at Jerry) “You tried to tell me? This is all your fault Jerry! I had a perfectly good tux, but NOooooooo—-YOU told me I needed one in a BIIIIIIGGER SIIIIIZE.” (He is screaming)

(Jerry steps in to calm everyone down)

JERRY: “OK, that’s enough tux talk! What’s the deal on the food here? I’m starving.”

GEORGE:(Looking a little less ruffled, but is still annoyed) “Well——The SOUP Nazi told me no food til after the ceremony.”

ELAYNE:(Eyes bulging out) ” The Soup Nazi? HE’S HERE? WHERE?”

JERRY:”Now Elayyyyne? (Raises his finger up) The man has suffered enough. Don’t cause any trouble.”

ELAYNE:”What is he doing here?”

KRAMER: “I hired him. ”

GEORGE: (Smirks) “Figures.”

KRAMER: “I hired him George, because Newman wanted him. You know——-he’s a vegan now?”

ELAYNE: (Smiles) “I think that’s wonderful! Good for him!”.

(Jerry perks up at this, and looks at Kramer intently)

JERRY: “Wait a minute—Newman’s a vegan?”

(Kramer looks at him in a kind of condescending manner)

KRAMER: “Jerry, I told you this back at Monks! Remember?”

GEORGE(Who is now looking concerned) “Kramer—–are you saying this wedding has a veeeeegan menu? ”

KRAMER: “Of course! I made sure of that.”

(Jerry and George look at Kramer with concern)

JERRY: “So you’re sayin—no meat here?”

KRAMER: “NO meat. Nada. All vegan.”

GEORGE: (Looking anguished) “Kramer, I’m not a vegan!”

ELAYNE: (Whispering to Peterman on the side) “Wow—big surprise.”

JERRY: “So Kramer, you’re tellin me there’s no fish here?”

KRAMER: “Nope.”

JERRY: “No EGGS?”

KRAMER: “No fish, no eggs—nothing from an animal.”

GEROGE: “NO CHEESE?”

JERRY:(Looks at George with annoyance)”Cheese comes from an animal George!”

(George looks around frantically)

GEORGE: “So what do they have here? Broccoli? Celery? That’s it? ”

KRAMER:(Smiles) “Oh yeah baby. All the veggies you can eat. ”

(George turns around in dismay and looks at Jerry)

GEORGE: “Jerry, I’m starving. I need some meat. I’m hungry now!!”

JERRY:(Looks perplexed) “Well George, what do you want ME to do? It’s not my wedding!”

GEORGE(Looks utter distraught) “Ya SEE? YA SEE? THIS is why I didn’t want to come! ARRRGHH!!”

(Looks at his tux, which is bunching out everywhere. George starts to fuss,throws a fit and begins to pull the shirt out of the pants. We see the shirt is hanging down to his knees/ People are looking at him laughing. Just then,a beautiful woman walks by)

WOMAN: (Looks at George up and down,and smirks) “So George—-still trying to get some HAND?”

ELAYNE(Looks shocked,turns to Jerry) “Oh my God! It’s that pianist!”(Turns to George) “George,remember her? ”

GEORGE(Looks embarrassed, and then angry) “YESSSS!  I REMEMBER HER!!!##  I also remember THAT YOU ruined our relationship by laughing at her when she was playing! ”

JERRY(Looks down and laughs) “Ahh yes—the pez dispenser. ”

GEORGE: “Yes, THE PEZ DISPENSER!!! ”

(Elayne starts to giggle and then laugh—the woman hears Elaynes laugh,looks back at them with horror in her eyes and quickly leaves the area)

GEORGE: “Look, I need some food Jerry. Some REAL food.”

JERRY: “Ok, OK—–so what do you suggest we do?”

GEORGE(sidles up to Jerry and whispers in his ear) “Lets duck out for a few minutes—-there has to be a deli somewhere around here—we can grab a few sandwiches and then come back and no one will even know we left.”

(Kramer sees them whispering and comes up)

KRAMER:(speaking loudly) “What are you guys talking about? ”

JERRY(Shushes Kramer) “Kramer—-George and I are going to slip out and go to a deli or something and get some real food—can you cover for us?”

KRAMER: (says loudly) “Cover for you?”

GEORGE & JERRY: “SHHHHH!”

(Kramer looks chagrined—–puts finger over his mouth and walks in tighter, makes a small huddle with George and Jerry)

KRAMER: “Take me with you.”

JERRY: (Whispering)”You? I thought you were a vegan?”

KRAMER: (still whispering) “NOOO! I still eat meat. I hired a vegan caterer for Newman because HE is a vegan. I’m not a vegan. I’m Kramer.”

GEORGE(Looks at Kramer with distrust) “Yeah, but who’s gonna cover for us?”

KRAMER: “I’ll talk to Peterman. He’s hip.”

JERRY: “He is?”

KRAMER: “Surrrre. He’ll get it. When do you want to go?”

GEORGE AND JERRY: “NOW.”

KRAMER:”OK, OK. I’m gonna tell Peterman what we’re doing, in case Newman comes around. But remember—the ceremony starts at 2, so we HAVE to back by then,OK?”

GEORGE: “We’re well aware of when the ceremony starts Kramer.We’ve been here since 11:30!”

KRAMER: “Really? Why did you come so early?”

(George looks at Jerry with rage)

GEORGE: “You see? HE didn’t come 2 hours early! ”

JERRY: (Shrugs his shoulders) “Well, Kramer isn’t a traditional guy. He doesn’t understand the whole mingle principle.”

(Kramer looks taken aback)

KRAMER: “Oh I mingle baby. I mingle. I mingle AFTER the wedding—at the reception. Oh maaama. ”

GEORGE: “Yeah, that”s great Kramer. Can we get the hell out of here? Sometime today? ”

KRAMER: “OK George, OK. But we need a plan.”
(Pulls them into a sort of “huddle”, starts to whisper)

KRAMER: “OK, here’s what we do—–George, you leave first. No one will notice you. Then I’ll leave. Then Jerry comes last. When we get outside? We’ll take the stairs. That way,no one sees us on the elevator.”

JERRY:”OK, sounds good.”

GEORGE: (Looks at Kramer with disbelief) “The stairs? We’re on the 12th floor?”

KRAMER:”Heyyyyyyy——- it’ll be good exercise! Besides——–you look like you could stand to sweat off a few pounds there chubby.”

JERRY: “OK, that’s enough! If we’re gonna do this, lets do it now, OK Readddddyyyyyy?

(They all put their hands together, and all scream “BREAAAAK!”)

(Elayne , who has been watching this, comes over to Jerry)

ELAYNE: What was that all about? ”

JERRY(Tries to look nonchalant, but fails) “Oh nothing—-just a bunch of guys, talking about old memories. You wouldn’t get it.”

ELAYNE(Looks at him skeptically) “Umm Hmmm—–Ohhh kaaay. Well, come over here and sit with me and tell em what you’ve been up to, mister old memories.”

(George walks up to Jerry, whispers in his ear, Jerry nods—George looks at Elayne smiles weakly, then walks away)

ELAYNE:”OK, something’s going on here. What was that for?”

JERRY: “Oh George was just telling me that—umm—uhhh—-he was going to see if the bathrooms here are as good as the ones at the Ritz Carlton! ”

(Elayne looks at him skeptically—–Jerry continues, laughing in an unconvincing manner)

JERRY: “You know George and bathrooms. He alllllways has to investigate every bathroom”

ELAYNE: “(Laughs) “I don’t know what you see in him.”

JERRY: (Laughs) “Well—he does have a way, you know. ”

ELAYNE: “Ahh yes—what a polite way of saying—”

JERRY: “Elayne? Be nice.”

(Elayne looks unconvinced, but laughs a little, still looking at Jerry with shining eyes)

 

 

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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!”) ACT 2, SCENE 1

(Jerry and George open the main door to the hallway where the wedding is being held. The hall is splendidly decorated. There are chandeliers hanging from the wall, tables laden with flowers, plates and silverware,chefs with trays of food steaming,a beautiful altar with flowers lining both sides of the aisle, and rows of pews for the wedding itself. there are already dozens of people inside as well as many waiters and servers walking around moving chairs, still setting some of the tables)

JERRY: “Wow. this is really nice. Makes me almost want to get married!”

GEORGE:”Really?”

JERRY; “NAh. ” (Laughs)

GEORGE:”I wonder when we can eat?”

JERRY: “I think we can eat now.”

GEORGE:”Really?”

JERRY:”Well—-appetizers.”

GEORGE:”By the way, it’s nearly 12. Doesn’t look like the wedding is going to start at 12.”

JERRY: “Oh, no. The ceremony doesn’t start til 2 pm. ”

GEORGE:”2 p.m. ? I thought it was starting at 12?You said 12 Jerry! 12!”

JERRY:”No, I said we had to BE there at 12. You cant show up EXACTLY when the wedding starts. Not good etiquette!

GEORGE:”Etiquette. Etiquette. Always etiquette! So what are we supposed to do til 2?”

JERRY:”Mingle.”

GEORGE:”Mingle?”

JERRY:”Yeah—lots of mingling at weddings. In fact, there’s more mingling at weddings than anything else. ”

GEORGE:”So we mingle til 2, then the ceremony—-then how long do we stay after that? Whats the etiquette?”

JERRY: “OH, I don’t know—-”

GEORGE:”An hour?”

JERRY:”No no—too short! 2 hours is the minimum for mingling. ”

(Suddenly, two waiters approach Jerry)

WAITER #1: “Hey—Mr. Seinfeld? Can I get your autograph?”

JERRY: “Sure! Got a pen?”

WAITER #1:”Umm—-no.”

JERRY:”Well, when you get a pen, I’ll give you an autograph.”

(The waiter looks around nervously)

WAITER #1:”Ok—-can you wait right here? Please? I’ll be right back.”

JERRY: “Oh sure. I’ll be here.Take your time.”

WAITER #1:”OK, I’ll be right back!”(He turns around, nearly hits another waiter, dodges him and runs into the back area, presumably where the kitchen is)

(George yells after him as he runs)

GEORGE: Ya know, I was the co creator of the show!”

JERRY:”Come on George, lets get out of here—-”

GEORGE: (Smirks)”What happened to mingling?”

JERRY:”I don’t want to be giving out autographs all day. Lets find a place more discreet.”

(George and Jerry start to walk. As he has started to walk, we see Newman, who is in the kitchen glaring at Jerry)

NEWMAN: (In a mocking tone)”Jerry?JERRY?OHHH! Can I have your autograph? What a sickening display!”

(Suddenly a beautiful woman in a wedding gown comes up behind him. It’s Newman’s “wife to be”)

NEWMANS “WTB”: Newmeee—-? Newmeeee, the caterers have a question.”

NEWMAN (Looks annoyed): “Can’t YOU handle it?”

NEWMANS WTB: “Darling, it’s about the menu? Apparently, there’s some egg salad on the menu?”

NEWMAN: “Egg Salaaaaad? EGGS? I specifically ordered a vegan menu for this wedding! UGH.”

NEWMANS WTB: “Now Newmee, don’t get all upset—”

NEWMAN:(Looking away, annoyed) “I swear, if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done!”

NEWMANS WTB: (Grabs him by the shoulder, looks lovingly into his eyes) “Now sweety, please don’t get too upset. This is our day, remember schnookie?”

NEWMAN: “Yeah—”

NEWMANS WTB:(Pushes up against him more) “You’re my big teddy bear aren’t ya? Yes you are!”

NEWMAN: “Oh Pookie!” (They embrace and kiss—-Newmans wife to be, pulls away from Newman in mid kiss—-she has obviously seen something)

NEWMANS WTB: “Newmee—is that—Jerry Seinfeld? ”

NEWMAN: “Yes—that’s him.” (Looks away , is obviously annoyed)

NEWMANS WTB: And you invited him to our wedding? (Squeals!) I LOOOOOOOVE Jerry Seinfeld! He’s sooo funnnnnyyy!”

NEWMAN: “Well—he’s not that—-” (Looks crestfallen)

NEWMANS WTB: “OH Newmeee! Will you introduce me to him?

(Newman looks away, grits teeth, and says in a harsh whisper) “JERRRY.” (turns back towards his wife to be)

NEWMAN: “Why sure honeyyy! I’ll introduce you to Jerry. Anything for my schnookie wookie.”

NEWMANS WTB:”Oh goody! Lets go now!”

(She pulls on Newman’s hand and literally drags him towards Jerry)

 

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A SEINFELD REUNION? (“LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!”) ACT 1,SCENES 8 & 9

(We now see inside The Room where the wedding is taking place. Newman is surveying all the decorations and is walking around nervously. He has obviously been micro managing everything, and the scene starts as we see him talking to the chef, who is standing behind trays of food with a white chefs hat)

NEWMAN: (Tastes some of the food from the trays, coughs it up into his napkin) “Ahhh! That is toooo HOT.”

CHEF:”Well sir—it will cool down by the time people eat it.”

NEWMAN: “Well—I HOPE SO!” (Walks away, goes towards someone who appears to be the DJ) “Sooo—–you know what song to play for our first dance?”

DJ: “Yeah I got it.”

(Newman is obviously unconvinced) “Well—-what is the song?”

(The DJ looks annoyed) “Look dude. I do this for a living. I wont forget the song.”

NEWMAN: “Well—OK. I just want everything to be—-perfect. You understand—– right?”

DJ:”Yeah,I understand.”

(Newman walks away, the DJ flips him off. The wedding planner rushes up to Newman)

WEDDING PLANNER: “Mr Newman? Sir? Do me a favor—–let ME handle these things. That’s what you paid me for——–right?”

NEWMAN: “Welllll—yes but—”

WEDDING PLANNER: (Looks a bit annoyed, quickly covers it with a fake smile)”Look Mr Newman—this is your BIG day! Just relax—and enjoy it. We’ll take care of everything, OK? PLEASE?” (Is still smiling, but there is a desperation in his smile)

NEWMAN: “Welll—–OK. But if anything goes wrong?”

WEDDING PLANNER: “NOTHING will go wrong sir. Don’t worry. I’ve got —ALLL your notes”

(Holds up a reem of paper with scribblings all over it)

NEWMAN: “OK. well—as long as—-”

(Suddenly one of the waiters/servers runs in)

SERVER: “HEY—a limo just pulled up! JERRY SEINDFELD is here!”

(All the waiters stop working and look astonished)

SERVER #2:SEINFELLLD? JERRRRY  SEINFELD?”

SERVER #1: “Yeah! Jerry Seinfeld is gonna be here!”

(Everyone starts talking excitedly—Newman turns away and has an evil look on his face)

NEWMAN: (Under his breath) “JERRRRRRY!”

ACT 1,SCENE 9

(Jerry and George have gotten out of the limo. A mob of paparazzi mob Jerry, cameras flashing—He waves and smiles, says “hello” and they start asking him questions. However,everyone ignores George as he quietly slips away quietly and makes his way towards the entrance of the plaza)

JERRY: “Thank you Thank you.”

PAPARAZZI GUY#1:”Jerry, what’s the occasion?”

JERRY:”Well, I’m just going to a friends wedding.”

PAPARAZZI #2: “Someone from the cast of the show? ”

JERRY:”No no—just a—(Winces) Chiiiiiildhoood friend. A verrrrrrrry (Winces again) clooooooose friend. Painfully close.”

PAPARAZZI #3: “Will Seinfeld ever do a reunion?”

JERRY: “Oh God no. Absolutely not. Why would we do that?

PAPARAZZI #4: “What do you think of President Trump?”

JERRY: (Laughs) “Listen, hate to end the party but——-I have a wedding to go to.”

(Starts to move towards the entrance. The paparazzi all start to shout questions at once. Jerry just smiles and waves, not even trying to answer)

(The scene now cuts to George, who is walking into the Plaza—-he sees a sign that says “Newman Wedding: Floor 12″ He walks towards the elevator and gets on it. There is a huge obese man on the elevator.)

GEORGE:”Sooo———going to the wedding?”

OBESE MAN: “Wedding? No.”

(George remains quiet for awhile, but eventually breaks the silence)

GEORGE: “I asked because I see that—-you’re going to the same floor I am? Floor 12? ”

OBESE MAN:”Yeah? So?”

GEORGE: (looking a little annoyed) “Well—thats the floor the wedding is on.”

OBESE MAN: “Look buddy. This is a hotel. There’s lots of things on ALLLL the floors. Just because I’m going to the same floor doesn’t mean we’re going to the same room”

(The Obese man looks annoyed, George turns away, looking more and more angry)

GEORGE: “You know—we’re living—IN A SOCIIIETY? ”

OBESE MAN:” Look buddy, I hate weddings. You couldn’t PAY me to go to a wedding,OK? SATISFIIIED?”

(The elevstor stops at the 8th floor. The obese man moves to get off . George looks surprised)

GEORGE: “I thought you were going to the 12th floor?”

OBESE MAN: “I’ll take the next elevator.”

(The elevator door closes as the obese man walks away)

GEORGE: (throws arms up, looks utterly annoyed) “HO HOO!. ”

(George then looks at himself in the reflection of the metal in the elevator—his tux shirt is half way out and bunching up on the sides.He frantically tucks it back in as the elevator bell rings.He is at the 12th floor. as the elevator door opens, George sees a big doorway where a lot of activity is taking place. People are running in and out. George tries to walk closer, to look in the door—but is stopped by a man standing near the door)

DOORMAN: “Excuse me? What are you doing?”

GEORGE: “Oh—I’m here to go to the wedding? Mr Newmans wedding? ”

DOORMAN: “Ohh—-yes. Your name?”

GEORGE: “George Costanza?”

(Doorman looks up and down the list)

DOORMAN: “Sorry, there’s no George Costanza on this list.”

GEORGE:(Looks frantic) “There has to be! I’m friends with the groom!”

(The doorman looks at him skeptically)

GEORGE: “Cosmo Kramer put me on the list!”

DOORMAN: “Cosmo Kramer? Hahaha. Come on.You can make up a better name than THAT!”

(George really looks panicked now)

GEORGE: “You’ve never heard of Cosmo Kramer? ”

DOORMAN:” Nope. Never heard of him. ”

GEORGE:”I can’t believe this. I don’t even want to be here, OK? I’nm only HERE because COSMO KRAMER, Newmans friend put me on the list.”

DOORMAN: “Well,you’re not on the list.”(Doorman looks at him suspiciously)

DOORMAN: “Heyyyy—-You got any I.D?”

GEORGE:(Smirks) “YES I have I.D.!”

(Reaches into pocket—nothing. Starts searching thru all his pockets—-nothing.George looks pleadingly at the doorman)

GEORGE: “I don’t have my wallet.I must’ve left it at home!”

(We see a flashback where George picks up his keys before he leaves his house, but doesn’t grab his wallet)

GEORGE:(Still frantically searching) “Damn it! I left it at home!”

DOORMAN: (Coming out from behind the dais) “OK Buddy lets go. OUT!”

GEORGE: (Backing up a little) “Look, I came here with Jerry Seinfeld. ”

DOORMAN:”Surrrre ya did. Come on let’s go!”

GEORGE: “No I swear! He got mobbed by the paparazzi—he’ll be right up. He’ll vouch for me. I’m his best friend!”

(the Doorman looks at George with great skepticism)

DOORMAN: “YOU’RE Jerry Seinfeld’s best friend?”

GEORGE: “SWEAR to GOD! Cross my heart!”

DOORMAN: “Jerry Seinfeld is coming HERE? To THIS wedding?”

GEORGE:”Yep! I came with him. Rode in the limo.(Looks proud,smirks a little))We did a TV show together. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? SEINNNNNNFELLLD? Well——I’m the co creator.”

(The doorman looks at him again, eyeball to eyeball)

DOORMAN: “Oh really? You were part of that show?”(He obviously isn’t buying it) “OK—well—when’s Jerry going to be here?”

GEORGE:”He should be here in 5 minutes tops.”

DOORMAN:”Well tell you what—- I’ll give you 5 minutes. If he isn’t here in 5 minutes, or he doesn’t vouch for you, I’m callin the cops. GOT IT?”

GEORGE: (Looking shocked)”You’re calling the cops?”

DOORMAN: “YEAH. I’M CALLIN THE COPS. You could be some nut—–or  some mass shooter—–(Eyes narrow) Or  a TERRORIST!”

GEORGE: “A terrorist? ME? You think I could be a terrorist? Look at me! Look at what I’m wearing! WHY would I wear a tux if I was a terrorist? ”

DOORMAN: “Hmmmmm—-(Looks him up and down) Come to think of it—-That tux looks awfully big.”(Eyes him up and down again)  “Sayyyy—–you got somethin under there? ”

(The doorman starts to move towards George—George starts to back up and looks scared)

GEORGE: “Hey hey HEY—-what are you doin?”

DOORMAN: (looking at George with menacing eyes) “I wanna see what you got under that suit. Take your shirt off!”

GEORGE:  (George is now backed up against the wall, starts looking around in a panic) “Help! HELP! I’m being attacked heah! ATTACKED!”

(Just then, the elevator door opens, and Jerry Seinfeld comes out. He smiles and waves goodbye to the people in the elevator, who all wave and say “goodbye”—Jerry sees the doorman, and George. George runs over to Jerry.)

GEORGE: “Jerry, this guy is a nut! Tell him who I am! Tell him I’m with you!! ”

DOORMAN:”JERRY SEINFELD! You’re with this guy?”

JERRY: “Yeah yeah. That’s just George.”

DOORMAN: “He’s with you? What’s wrong with his suit?”

JERRY: (Looking sheepish, laughing nervously) “Yeah,heh heh—–that was kind of my fault. You see, the first one he picked out was too small, and I told the guy at the tux shop to get him a bigger one, and then he came back with a bigger suit, but George didn’t try it on(Gives George with a knowing look)—even tho I TOLD him to try——–”

GEORGE:(Butts in) “JERRY! “(George looks at him with annoyed face)

JERRY:(Looks at George, then looks back at Doorman) “Anywaaaaaaaays———–he’s with me.”

DOORMAN:(Raises eyebrow, looks at George) “OK, OK. Go right in. Have a Niiiice——-Tiiiime. (Looks menacingly at George)

GEORGE: (Looks smugly at Doorman) “Oh, WEEE will. ”

DOORMAN:(Points at George)”I’m gonna be watchin you fella.”

GEORGE:(smirks) “Yeah, you do that—Doorrrrrrmaaaan.”

(George turns away, still tucking his shirt in—catches up to Jerry who is at the door)

JERRY: “What the hell was that all about? ”

GEORGE:”I’ll tell ya later. Lets get this over with Jerry.Please?”